


Take my heart as an offering

by TheVioletHour



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Fluff and Smut, Happy Ending, Jealous Eliott, Jealousy, M/M, Miscommunication, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2020-06-27 18:29:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 42,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19796572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheVioletHour/pseuds/TheVioletHour
Summary: First time ficEliott thought he could forget his feelings for Lucas by throwing himself in the arms of others. It never worked and now Lucas makes him an offer he's unable to refuse, even if it means destroying his heart in the process. Or so he thought...





	1. "That blond guy"

**Author's Note:**

  * For [iBowtieCrew](https://archiveofourown.org/users/iBowtieCrew/gifts).



> Hi everyone! This fic is actually inspired by one of my favorite books. I hope you'll enjoy it!
> 
> In this fic, Lucas and Eliott never had the chance to become a couple as they were interrupted by Lucille the first time they hang out together. The story takes place a few years later, when they're both in college.
> 
> As a warning, it's going to get a bit smutty!
> 
> Don't hesitate to comment and leave kudos, it's always a pleasure to know what you think!

Eliott was drunk out of his mind when he first saw them together. Lucas’ profile was bathed in embers in the other side of the room, his hand tight on the beer bottle he seemed to hold onto for dear life. He was nodding vigorously, his eyes shiny and bright, full of newborn wonder. Eliott straightened up as the realisation dawned on him that he didn’t know the other guy. The one who held so much of the small, spiky hair boy’s attention. Through his hazed eyes, the other seemed tall and lean, with sandy blond hair that gathered around his head like a crown. Lucas was fascinated and it was… unusual. No one even sparked the small boy attention for more than five seconds, especially at parties such as this one. Eliott always made sure of it before he allowed himself to be captured by other heated, welcoming arms and lips. Tonight was supposed to be exactly the same. He had just gotten back from the bathroom where a cute (probably average if he was honest but he wasn’t picky) brown haired guy gave a messy blowjob, images of familiar blue eyes and messier hair on his mind like always, a forbidden name crossing his lips without shame. “My name isn’t Lucas.” had huffed the stranger, clearly unhappy, and Eliott hadn’t miss the disgust in his not-blue-enough eyes.  
But, somehow, he had missed that, the awkward and sneaky glances from across the room, the first tentative hello, the swift and soft flow of words between two people who become acquainted for the first time in many. 

“What are you looking at? You look like you’re gonna murder someone.” Idriss dropped on the couch next to him, sighing with relief after standing up for hours. 

“Who’s that guy? The one with Lu?” His voice feels raspy and cold. Idriss looked up towards the two oblivious boys a few feet away. 

“Should have guessed it’d be about him.” he muttered in his breath which earned him a pointed look from Eliott. He raised his hands defensively.  
“Just saying, you always get super intense when Lu is involved.” His voice softened as his brow furrowed with worry. “And this time, you’re not gonna like it.. I knew you’d ask so I fished for information with Imane. The name’s Ethan, he’s ina first year like Lucas and the rest. He studies Biology too, that’s how they met. And apparently, he’s been reaaaally interested in Lucas. Tried to ask him out a couple of time already.”

Eliott watched as Ethan raised his hand to chase away something in Lucas’ unruly mop of hair. He watched as a pink hue invaded the other boy’s cheeks. He could only see their profile now and already he felt sick. He tried to remain calm, after all it wasn’t the first time some random idiot came after Lucas, it happened even far more often than the boy in question realized it. Lucas never paid attention to any of them, even after officially coming out during his last year of high school. Eliott and him had been friend for a while before that, ever since they met at their now favorite bus stop. They had danced around the other for a while, and their evening together at his flat remained one of Eliott most cherished and secret memories. They had almost kissed that night, until Lucille interrupted them. He remembered the hurt illuminating Lucas’ eyes, as elusive as lightning, burning into his back as Lucille and him went away on their date. He had felt sick the entire time, an untameable anger flooding through his veins all evening. He had been horrible towards Lucille that night,so much so that they had almost broken up when they returned home. 

Lucas had been cautious around him after that, politely distant at first then more and more approachable. They became friends but some tension had remained, heavy and hot between them. Until the episode. He had planned a date for Lucas and him that night, unbeknownst to the other boy as it was supposed to be a surprise. Until the episode came and ruined everything. He doesn’t remember much from that night, just that he regained some of himself much later and that Lucas was still there, along with Lucille. His clothes were rain-soaked and he was wrapped in a shiny safety blanket. Lucas has sneaked back to talk to him, reassure him that he wasn’t mad and that ke knew now, about Eliott’s bipolarity.

“I never wanted you to find out like this.” He had whispered, desperate to keep him by his side, terrified by the distance he could feel in the tiny smile that didn’t reached his eyes. Lucas had place a hand on his knee, squeezed it gently and vowed right there and then, on the glistening pavement at midnight, that it would never be a problem between them, that he wouldn’t give up on him. 

He never did, Eliott had to give him that, but the longing that created such sweet butterflies of anticipation in his belly, disappeared that night, on Lucas’ side, never his. He never saw any clues that Lucas might be interested in him again. However, the cruel smile Lucille gave him the day of their final, official breakup shone a different light on it.  
“Gosh I’m glad Lucas listened to me.” 

She never told him what she meant and Lucas always said he didn’t remember what she was talking about. He seemed sincere but sometimes he wondered, if lying could come to Lucas as easily as it comes to him.

Lucas never tried to get intimate with him again, for the two years that separated that fateful night with this one. So Eliott had given up in return, throwing himself in every willing person’s bed. He was ruthless and without remorse in his adventures, always making sure everyone knew. It had helped that Lucas never did the same. As far as everyone knew, the young man wasn’t even sexually active, which was a source of many jokes that Lucas had always too good-naturedly, like it was the least of his worries. Until tonight apparently. 

Ethan’s free hand, the one that wasn’t holding a probably warm by now bottle of beer, was running along Lucas’ bare arms, and the look on the other’s face was a strange mixture of bashful and seductive. The face of a young man who just played piano for the first time in years, for a young man he barely knows in a small Parisian flat, the air saturated by the smell of weed and unspoken, ever growing desire. Eliott had never seen this face directed at someone else before this moment, and he hated it. 

“Eliott..” Idriss’ tone is kind but reproachful and for a brief second, he hates him.  
“Yeah, I know.” He stands up abruptly and makes his way across the room, pushing against a few people along the way. He comes closer to where Lucas and his new friend are standing, getting bits of their conversation. 

“We should definitely go, I’m sure you’ll love it.” Lucas’ response is drowned in noises but it sounds light and promising and it nibbles disagreeably at his heart.  
His right hand tightens into a fist, and he is tempted to go back and shove Ethan away, long enough to secure his friend far away from him. He’s a jerk when he’s drunk.

The cool night air did nothing to ease the sting, he could hear the insects chanting faintly in the tall grass, and for a few seconds he could swear the noise transformed into a mocking sound, underlining his stupidity.  
His feelings always got out of control when Lucas was around. It was partly the reason why he hang onto Lucille so much at first, the violence of his own heart scared him to no end. 

He stood still against the night, taking deep breaths that didn’t calm him. 

“Hey I thought you went here to smoke and you don’t even have a spare one for me?” Lucas’ voice rang deep in the night, as he snuggled close to him, bumping his shoulder in a friendly way. 

“I thought you were quitting?” 

“I was but I want one tonight.” Lucas took the one Eliott was handing him with gratitude. Now that he was up close, he looked happy, giddy even. That again, was out of ordinary for him at parties, he usually never departed from his cool, distant demeanour, aiming at putting people at a comfortable distance. Apparently, distance wasn’t on his mind tonight. 

“Why tonight? Are you nervous about something?”

“A bit.” Lucas didn’t elaborate as Eliott lighted the bar between his lips, their faces almost touching. The older man knew he never had the right distance with Lucas, that he was always too close, always touching. He never bothered to try and stop it. He knew he would fail. After all, the other boy did exactly the same thing. 

Lucas thanked him silently as he straightened up, blowing smoke in the half dark garden, illuminated by the fairy lights suspended above the doors of the bar. Not far from them, couples were meeting in the different corners, hidden in darkness and hushed words. At that moment, Eliott envied them so much it hurt. He would give anything to be able to get five minutes of Lucas and him intertwined in secret, lost in each other’s breathing. 

“How come you’re not already gone with that brunette I saw you disappeared with earlier? Are you losing your mojo Demaury?” Lucas teased softly, ignorant of how painfully his words twisted inside the other’s stomach, leaving ashes on his tongue as he laughed without joy. 

“Jealous, Lucas? I already got what I wanted, I didn’t even need to leave the party, I’m that good you know.” 

Lucas nodded without a word, seemingly lost in thought.  
“I’m surprised you saw that, by the way, you seemed rather busy yourself.” 

God, he sounded jealous even to himself. Lucas didn’t seem to realize it, blushing furiously at the words. 

“Oh you saw that. Guess I wasn’t as subtle as I thought.” He glanced at him and smiled and Eliott smiled back, still tasting ashes on his tongue. He tried to swallow them. 

“Don’t worry, he wasn’t subtle either.” 

Lucas’ expression turned into smugness for a few seconds before suddenly becoming unreadable, even for Eliott who thought he knew everything expression of the face he knew better than his own.

‘Are you gonna tell me about him or what?”

Lucas shrugged nonchalantly or so he tried. Eliott knew him far too much to believe it.  
“ He’s cute and I like him. Like really like him, I guess. And I know he really wants to have something with me but every time he gets too close , I chicken out.”

“Why?” 

“Do you think it’s important to have experience before dating someone?” Lucas eluded the question and he didn’t know if he was relieved or scared by that. He decided to play along.

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean… I’ve never done anything with a guy. Didn’t really want to. I never wanted to do anything with anyone since.. Well never mind. Thing is .. now I regret it. We’re in uni now, and everyone is so experienced and I feel so young and stupid. Clumsy. I swear Ethan is interested in me like that.. and I want to but I don’t know anything and I’m afraid I’ll just screw things up. By being an clumsy, inexperienced idiot.”

“Hey, you’re not an idiot. And you don’t have to be experienced to be with someone. If you don’t feel comfortable enough with him, then he’s not the right one. Sorry about that.” Eliott felt a dread so intense it felt like ice invading every recess of his body. He thought about Lucas being led by the insufferable blond to the bathroom where himself had enjoy a rather tasteless time. The thoughts of the stranger’s hands on Lucas made him want to throw up. The thought of Lucas desiring them made him want to rip his heart in half. That was new and wholly unwelcomed. 

“Yeah, but look at you, you spend every party locked up with a random dude or girl, and you don’t care, everyone does it too. Not me, and I’m sick of it. Now I have a guy that’s finally taken an interest in me and I’m scared to let him come too close to me because I won’t know what to do or how to react. I hate that. I want it to change, been waiting for the whole year for the opportunity to just get rid of the “problem”. And now I’ve run out of time.” Lucas concluded his monologue by nervously pulling the blades of grass at their feet. 

“Wait, are you saying you’re fed up of being a virgin? Is that what this is about?” Eliott’s senses finally kicked it. He wanted to laugh but the angry and sad look on Lucas’ eyes stopped him. “Oh my god, you’re serious. Lucas, it’s not a big deal, it’s nothing. Just, don’t worry about it ok, you have time! And you know, it’s overrated, you’re not missing out.” He was blabbering now, getting nervous. And by the ironically raised eyebrow Lucas sported, he was not convinced.

“Then why do you always sneak out to get laid? Every fucking time? Why do the boys .. and girls always tell me I should just take the leap? You know, you’re not the first one I talked about the subject. They all say I should just get on with it, throw myself all in. What do you think?”

“I think.. you should just drop it. It you’re nervous with him, it’s just not your guy. Wait for the next. And don’t take me as an example. I’m an horrible example.” He murmured faintly. Lucas looked at him strangely but didn’t comment. They stayed in an uncomfortable silence for a few moments, Eliott’s head swirling with grey thoughts of Lucas and sex, Lucas and other people. He felt selfish because, of course Lucas would want to be intimate with other men, he had been alone for so long. Always the single one at parties despite all the flirty looks and approaches. Of course, he would want to be touched too, he deserved it. He wasn’t made of stones. But Eliott’s heart was, and it refused the possibility of Lucas even wanting someone. So it plummeted and whimpered inside his chest as Lucas remained silent and pensive, unattainable even as they rose up and left the party together, laughing about non important things that had nothing to do with their earlier talk. 

That’s why he never saw it coming. He should have seen the signs, the quiet determination taking over the corners of Lucas’ lips, the hardened eyes and straight back, the hands strongly closed into fits. He should have interpreted the silence that followed them into his flat as they settled it for their usual post-party sleepover. But he didn’t. That’s why the words stopped his steps as violently as a thunderclap.

“Have sex with me.”


	2. Chapter 2

Eliott was too stunned to move, his hand stopped above the candle he had just lightened.

“What the fuck Lucas?” He could not have said that. He must have misheard that. Surely it was an hallucination, a reminiscence of a dream passed.  
“Come on, Eli, it’s perfect.” insisted Lucas, excitedly. “You could teach me a thing or too. It wouldn’t mean anything to you, you do that all the time.”

“Wow, stop. Right now, stop. Are you high? How is that a good idea?” He fumbled with his words, his hands suddenly shaky and unsure. He gripped the corner of the table that separated them. Lucas was standing firm, all determination and burning eyes.

“Oh come on, Eli, it’s just sex. You always say it’s nothing, you did it tonight, why make a fuss of it now?”

“Because it’s us. You can’t just ask me to “teach” you? What do you take me for? A sex guru?”

“Well, that’s certainly how you see yourself. You always talk about your “exploits” in front of me and the guys, showing off all those people you sleep with. Making sure we know what you’re doing.” His pupils were accusatory and seems thin as slits in the dimmed room. With the read aura of the candles, he almost became scary.

“I don’t do that…”

“Oh yes, you do. You do realize you always look at me before you leave with one of your toys, right? Like you need my validation or something. Well, now is the time to show me what you got.” His tone became suddenly soft and caressing as a feather. “Please Eli, just, show me what I should know. Just one time, so I’ll know what it’s about and I can go on with my life. Be a new person.”

“And be with him, you mean.” Now it was his turn to make accusations, and he couldn’t be bothered to hide it. Not when Lucas’s words were threatened to swamp his heart with misery making offers he was so tempted to accept.

‘You don’t need to do that to become someone new.” Eliott croaked, his heart thumping against his ribcage. He was trying so hard not to think about what Lucas was suggesting, about the other boy pliant and willing against him. He dreamed about that for years, and now that he could have it… He thought about the reason.

“Why me anyway?” He hated how weak his voice sounded.  
“Well, first, you’re the person I trust the most in the whole world. I really do. I would never ask that of Yann or the guys.” They looked at each other and and Eliott was taken aback by the sudden kindness of the ocean blue eyes. And then it came crashing down again.  
“And, you have no feelings. Sex means nothing to you, that why I thought of it. You sleep with tons of people, not giving a fuck who they are or what they look like. You .. just don’t care. That kinda reassuring actually. I thought you wouldn’t mind, that it wouldn’t mean a thing to you. Even if it was me.”

“I don’t care.. I have no feelings.” he repeated weakly. “Wow.. is it really your opinion of me?” Eliott felt like the floor swallowed him whole, sending him straight down to a shattering stop, breaking everything inside of him. His breathes felt short. He hoped Lucas couldn’t see the tears prickling in his eyes. He knew people thought that way of him, it amused him, to a certain extent. But he never thought Lucas could say those things about him, speak about his feelings in such a derivative way.

The shorter boy must have felt he said something wrong because he came closer suddenly, tried to reach him above the table. Eliott took a step back, not trusting himself to look.

“You’re wrong you know, I do care about things. I care about our friendship, I won’t ruin it. I have standards you know. I won’t do that to us.”

 _Not when you think of me like this. I won’t have you like this._ He turned around slowly, feeling Lucas exhaled softly behind him.

“I’m sorry Eli, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m not saying.. It was stupid of me, just forget I said anything.” Lucas whimpered as he moved around the space between them to hug him. Eliott tensed for a second but his body relaxed almost immediately, almost against his will, as Lucas put his head on his shoulder, his hair tickling his shin.  
“Please, don’t be mad at me..” he added in a whisper and Eliott’s heart felt too heavy for his chest all of a sudden.

He reassured Lucas, as distinctly as he could, for his voice was hard to find at the moment. They kept on doing the routine that was so well established between them after all their sleepovers but the older boy’s movements felt lifeless He couldn’t stop picturing what Lucas had suggested, a night made of open gestures and whispered instructions, the image so incredibly erotic he felt heat running inside his body. It didn’t help that Lucas kept brushing against him and ended snuggling against him as they laid down together in his bed to sleep. “Lucas thought about it.” a little voice in his head kept repeating, far into the night, long after the smaller boy had fallen in a deep sleep. “He thought about you and him like that and he wanted it. Wanted it to be you.”

What could he have said? Yes, and it would have feel like taking advantage, going in with far more that Lucas had asked. It would have been a betrayal, asking of Lucas far more than he was willing to offer. And what about his heart? How would he have been able to go back to pretending? Pretending his heart wasn’t literally singing everytime Lucas appeared in front of him, like he wouldn’t give anything he had for a night of the other boy’s attention. Like he wouldn’t sell his soul to go back to that fateful night and keep Lucille at bay, at least long enough to properly break things up with her.

Sometimes, he could swear, _swear_ , that Lucas still looked at him as he used to when they were younger and foolish. He could swear his touches lasted longer than they needed to be. Usually, he was good at pretending he couldn’t see that, but lately it had become more and more difficult. Now it was becoming impossible.

Oui 

* * *

The next few days had seen the air becoming heavy between them, as they scarcely spoke, much less than what they had been used to. He didn’t see Lucas until Thursday night, which was student night in town and where all the bars of the city where packed with wild, ready to have fun students from all universities around. They all ended up in one of the most popular bar, sharing a table that was way too small for their group. Idriss was seated next to him, trying to figure out who Eliott was going to pull tonight and the only thing Eliott was seeing was an unknown idiot sprawled all over Lucas, across the bar in one of the boot. The guy’s hands were everywhere, like small, sweaty tentacles, and all Eliott wanted to do was rip them off from his friend’s shirt. As for Lucas, well, by now he could recognize a wasted hedgehog (because yes even in the secret of his own mind Lucas would always be an hedgehog to him, it was their own private joke) when he was seeing one.

Lucas was too jumpy, exhilarated, speaking with his hands. Until he wasn’t speaking anymore. The blond octopus grabbed his face and brought it to his in an almost forceful gesture that had Eliott tensing in his chair. Lucas seemed unsure for a second before letting the other take the lead. They kissed for what seemed like an eternity for Eliott and apparently for Lucas too. But he quickly recovered a neutral face and responded with, what could pass as equal enthusiasm. Eliott’s fingers clenched around his glass. For a brief second he wondered if Lucas had felt the same way when he saw Eliott do the exact same thing over and over again. He quickly disregarded the thought. Clearly Lucas never felt that way.

He watched as Octopus Guy (whose name, as he would later learn, was Antonin) grabbed Lucas by his waist and brought them closer together, as he continued to leave open mouthed kissed along the other boy’s neck. There was no mistaking his friend’s furtive uneasy expression. He rushed on his feet, interruption Idriss who was babbling happily about this new girl he was dating and headed straight for them. Lucas was still letting himself be touched and Eliott stopped when he realized he knew the new expression on the boy’s face. It was a mixture of quiet resignation and determination and it made him sick in his stomach when he finally understood why it was there. He startled as they were getting up and stumbling towards the exit.

They were about to make it to the door when Eliott came between them.

“He’s not going anywhere with you.” He was not sure he could be heard above the music and the noise of people chatting the night away, but he’s pretty sure his posture told the tale. Sofiane always told him he could look murderous when he wanted, a real baby serial killer, they had joked about it and Lucas had readily agreed. He would be lying if he said he hadn’t practised it a bit, as a mask when emotions were too tumultuous to handle. He didn’t have to fake it now, he truly felt like he could strangle the groping idiot with his bare hands. Instead, he slided an arm under on of Lucas,chasing the stranger’s hand that was already resting there, far too proprietary.

The unknown jackass protested, his drunken words slurred and useless, but Eliott shot him his deadliest stare in response, not even bothering to try and listen to what the other was saying. He was this close to punching him and he was sure the other got the message. Antonin stared nastily back but he was way smaller than him and he didn’t push, finally letting go of Lucas who was weakly protesting. Eliott pulled the other boy towards him with force, making him stumble backwards and into his chest. He opened his mouth to argue but Eliott left him no time, as he started to drag him across the bar to the other exit.

They passed the others and he vaguely waved them goodbye, Lucas on his trail. They were both outside the bar in a few seconds, and he felt at that moment, the pent-up anger he had tried to keep under control, boiling slowly under his skin. Lucas was staring at him, with his usual doe eyes, both innocent and angry, a strange if not endearing look. He didn’t trust himself to speak so he decided to turn around and head home, secretly hoping the other boy would follow him. He almost sighed with relief when it happened. They stayed in a awkward, angry silence until they reached the inside of his apartment.

“What the hell was that?” Lucas hissed between his teeth, and Eliott realized he was far less drunk than he first imagined. “It was almost done, what the hell were you thinking?”

He was stunned for a few seconds before anger (and jealousy if he had to be totally honest with himself) got the best of him. He dropped his keys inside the bowl in the hallway before abruptly taking off his jacket, refusing to meet Lucas’ eyes.

“What was I thinking? And what about you, getting all over that douche? Since when do you accept strangers’ tongue down your throat?” 

“If I recall correctly, I’m an adult and I can do what I want.” Lucas was trying to stand tall and dignified but his drunken state made it difficult as he was unsteady on his feet. He was currently using the back of the couch to keep standing straight. “And you’re hardly the right person to be outraged by flirting.”

“You call that flirting? It was disgusting at best. Don’t look at me like that, you didn’t even look like you enjoyed it.”

Lucas opened his mouth to reply but he closed it with a pout, and Eliott smiled proudly. Lucas was too drunk to lie to him.

“Fine, it was gross but it wouldn’t have lasted long. Why did you have to cockblock me all of a sudden?”

“Cockblock you? I saved you from making an horrible mistake! Why would you even want to sleep with this guy?”

“I told you why. And since you made it clear you’re not interested by it, it’s none of your business.” They were facing each other now and Eliott really hoped his feelings were not written all over his face. He remembered their conversation a few days ago and he felt sick again, for a whole different reason. He had hoped Lucas had dropped the whole idea altogether but clearly, he had underestimated his motivation.

“You can’t be serious! You really want your first time to be with that idiot? Have you no standards Lu?” He was being mean now and he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“Oh, you wanna talk standards? Funny coming from you. You sleep with literally anything with a pair of legs but you mysteriously discover standards when I ask one small thing from you?”

“A small thing.? Lucas you asked me to have sex with you! How can you not think about the implications?”

“You do that shit, all the time. You sleep with people and never talk about it again. I’ve seen done that with a freaking lot of your, nay, **our** college buddies. Just say I’m not attractive enough for you instead of pulling this standard bullshit on me. And don’t you dare judge me for something that you do.”

Silence came between them, heavy and blurry like fog, making things unsteady. Eliott was used to silence that meant more than words,but it was rarely because of a fight. He wasn’t used to dealing with an angry Lucas, especially not when that anger was directed against him.

“You’re too drunk Lucas, you couldn’t consent properly. You didn’t even looked like you wanted it. It’s dangerous to put yourself in situations like that..I’m not saying that to patronize you.” He added, raising his hand to stop the other boy from interrupting him, his mouth already opened to retaliate. “I was just worried. And If you have to be drunk to be “in the mood” with someone, it’s probably not the right person.”

“Well I don’t have a lot of options, do I?” Lucas’ voice was hoarse and defeated. “I’m just tired of being left out. I just wanted it for once, to know what everyone else already knows. What I should have known by now. I was stupid to wait so long...”

“Why stupid? It”s not…”

“Just leave it Eliott, it’s fine. I’m sorry for yelling at you. You were right.. I didn’t want to sleep with him, not really.”

“Yeah.. I know. That’s why I stopped you, you know. So you wouldn’t do something you’d regret.” He walked over to him, pressing a hand softly into Lucas’ shoulder. The air had shifted between them, lighter like the sky after a storm. Eliott felt a weight lifting off his shoulders. Lucas was with him, safe and not mad at him anymore, even if he had ‘ruined his plan’ as he had mumbled earlier when they were still walking in a all too silent street. And if a small part of him was slyly happy to have prevented Lucas from sleeping with someone tonight, he would not admit it, even to himself.

Or maybe, just for a few seconds, as Lucas was currently snuggling into his chest, after a much needed “let’s chase the alcohol away shower”. He smelled of Eliott’s soap and was wearing one of the taller’s boy shirt and to see him like made his heart beat fast. And definitely not in a platonic manner. He allowed himself to rake in hand in Lucas’ hair, relishing in the happy humming escaping the other’s lips. He suddenly remembered what he had said earlier. _“Just say I’m not attractive enough for you”._ How could he think that? If only he knew how he saw him, how beautiful and radiant he appeared to him, ever since the first time he laid eyes on him. How it was killing him to have him so close and so far at the same time.

He waited until he heard Lucas’ breathing becoming deeper and deeper. When he was sure that he was asleep, he murmured on his skin.  
“Lucas… A very big and selfish part of me wishes that you never find out that...  
You’re far more attractive than you know. Especially to me. Drunk idiot.” he whispered with a smile, kissing his forehead and pretending his lips weren’t tingling afterwards.

* * *

If there was one thing he loved more than falling asleep next to Lucas, was waking up with his body pressed against him, his face hidden in the crook of his neck, his breath creating an infinity of goosebumps on his skin. In those moments, the bittersweet longing inside his heart always was overwhelming. Usually he responded to it but hugging the small boy so tightly it woke him up. He would chuckle lightly, teasing on him on his morning cuddling tendencies “what would all the one night stands you leave at two in the morning without even saying goodbye would think, seeing you so soft in the morning.” He would roll his eyes and push Lucas away, usually aiming to make him fall out of the bed. They would laugh and tease each other until they felt ready to face the world outside their bubble.

Two, he could grant Lucas’ request and be the first one to touch him that way. Only to see him say thanks and go pursue the sandy hair douchebag who was apparently so attracting to him. Smashing his heart in the process.  
So, he was fucked either way. He knew he wouldn’t be strong enough to take the pain. If he had to..

“I’ll do it.” He blurted out, moments later, interrupting their morning routine. Lucas was pouring himself a cup of coffee on the kitchen counter, his hair an undescriptable mess, the traces of the sheet still visible on the size of his face. He stopped and looked at him, mouth agape in surprise.  
“If you still want me to. I’ll do it with you.”


	3. Smokes and burns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO... it's time for smut. It's my first one in English, I hope it's at least average! This chapter is quite long, I'm sorry. 
> 
> Thank you so much for the kind words and kudos, It means a lot to me. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this one and that I could describe the sexual tension between them well. I switched from past to present for the smut because it felt more natural to me. Hope it won't be an eyesore for you.

Lucas was still looking at him, dumbfounded, and coffee started to spill outside his mug as he momentarily seemed to have forgotten he was pouring himself some. He startled and started swearing profusely, putting down the coffee maker too forcefully. He wiped the spilled coffee, his cheeks reddened and his face adorably confused, in Eliott’s opinion. But he was always too partial whenever Lucas was concerned.

“So, hum”, Lucas was looking at him now, his eyes nervous and impossibly blue. “Should I take my clothes off now or should we..”

Blood rushed to Eliott’s cheeks as he realized what Lucas was implying and at the same time, heat pooled in his belly at the words. He had said yes, it was really going to happen. He would be a liar if he said the thought didn’t turn him on. It did, big time. He was just not ready to address the other feelings pressing in the back of his mind like waves against a cliff.

Lucas started to move his hoodie over his head and Eliott rushed to put it back down, his fingers grazing the skin there, almost lingering.

“Don’t do that, not right now.” I’ll never be able to think properly if you do that. “I need preparations, we can’t do that right now.”

“Oh , okay.” Was he dreaming or did Lucas sound a little disappointed.

“Yeah, we can’t do that here, we need rules.” The older one added, scratching at his neck nervously. They hadn’t even done anything and he still felt overwhelmed by the other boy facing him expectantly. “You need to tell me what you want and..”

“You already know what I want.” interrupted Lucas, frowning. “I just want to have sex for the first time with someone I trust. Someone who can show me how… to do things. I don’t need a lecture, I just need practise.” His face was stern and steely, and Eliott briefly wondered why it suddenly became so important so he had asked this of him. He almost asked the question again but decided against it. Lucas had always eluded it until now and he didn’t think it would change today, even after Eliott’s acceptance.

“Ok fine.. So we’ll talk details later alright? When we’ll start. Not now.. Later.” he cut Lucas before he could interrupt him again.  
“If we want this to work, I have three rules ok?  
**One** , we can’t do this at any of our places, not your apartment, not mine. We need someplace neutral.  
**Two** , no kissing on the mouth. That’s off limits.”  
Lucas looked at him, surprised, as if this rule was something unexpected. He really didn’t prepare it, did he? Typical Lucas, to throw himself in action without thinking. His heart constricted with affection and he turned away, his eyes falling on the crumpled sheets on his bed. Longing tore at his heart and he closed his eyes for a second, to regain his thoughts.  
“ **Three** , this is a one-time thing, when we’re finished, it will never happen again and we go back to what we were before. Nothing will change.” He insisted on the words, hoping to make them true by materializing them between Lucas and Him.

“Ok, of course, yeah, whatever you want.” mumbled the other boy behind him.

Silence grew between them, uncomfortable and heavy. Lucas was the first one to stop it. He sat on the bed, trying to make Eliott look at him again.

“Do you know when or where you want to do it?”

His voice was soft, almost tender and Eliott felt tiny sparks running along his skin and his knees grow weaker. He sat down next to him, and immediately Lucas placed his head on his shoulder, sliding closer.

“The when will depend on the where, I’ll text you when I know.”

Another silence.

“Should I buy something or.. ? Like lube I mean, or something to drink. If you’re thinking hotel, I can pay.”

“I’m not a prostitute Lucas.” Eliott hissed, his body tensing up. “I’ll choose and I pay for it, don’t worry. I’ve worked all summer, I can afford it.”

“Eli, that’s not what I meant!”

“Just.. be there when I ask you, ok?”

“Yeah, sure, and I could do something for you, to repay you. Is there anything I can do to repay the favor?”

He was going to reply rather sharply, saying there was nothing that would help with the ruins he was sure to deal with after their arrangement but an idea popped up at that moment, and he held his tongue.

“Actually, you can. My parents have asked me to come see them one weekend, in my childhood home in Lyon. They tend to be overbearing when I’m there alone and they love you, so…”

“Say no more” Lucas exclaimed excitedly. “I’ll be more than happy to divert the attention from you. And it’s been a long time, I’ve missed your parents a lot.”

“Yeah.. I think they’ve been missing you too.” He definitely wasn’t going to tell him about his parents’ allusions on their relationships. He could only hoped that they wouldn’t say anything in front of Lucas, because if he was correct about this, he knew their relationship would be entirely different by the time they got there.

He was right of course, he just didn’t know how much yet.

* * *

He didn’t see Lucas for a few days after that. They had shaken hands on this, Lucas having agreed to his conditions and he had watched him leave later that day, his steps lighter but seemingly determined.

He had hoped he would have backed down from now, called him to say they had made a terrible mistake, that it would ruin anything. He had almost done it himself, countless times, but something had always stopped him. He wondered if that made him a terrible person, being willing to sacrifice the most important friendship in his life just to spend one night with Lucas in his arms. But then he would wake up in the middle of the night, the ghost of Lucas’ lips everywhere on him, his heart beating wildly in his chest, pleasure ebbing away under his skin, leaving him breathless and sticky. He hated himself but the prospect of finally knowing Lucas in that way had taken all of his resolve. He wouldn’t back down now, even if he could. The other boy was the only one who could stop them.

But he never did. That’s why Eliott was there, hastily, lightening up the small candles everywhere, on the deck and inside the cabin. The soft thumping of the Seine again the hull of the barge he had rented for the occasion did nothing to calm his nerves. He felt electrified. He hoped Lucas would love the barge, desperately, for reasons he was not ready to dwell on. Especially tonight. He had asked his boss if he could borrow it for the night, in exchange of replacing his sick coworker for the next two weeks. He had accepted and Eliott had been so relieved he swore he could have cried of gratitude. He had bought food, a bubbly alcoholic beverage that could pass as cheap wine if one was already drunk enough, fairy lights, candles, while trying to persuade himself that it was not in order to seduce Lucas, which he completely failed at. Finally he had put the lubes and condoms on the bed last, staring at them for far too long, pondering the enormity of what was going to happen that night, trying to measure how long he had wanted that to happen.

He still hadn’t wrapped his head around it when Lucas arrived, eyes lightened in wonder by the fairy lights hung on the deck.

“You’ve rented a boat?” he squealed with delight, his eyes soaking up his environment greedily. “No one ever did that for me, you know.” His tone was soft again and Eliott fidgeted, unable to look at him anymore.

“Well, it’s not that much, it’s not a big one but.. I figured you would feel at ease here, nobody to pry on us, no one we know nearby.” He shrugged nonchalantly.

“Oh it’s perfect. Beyond perfect even..” Lucas nodded, assertively. “But you didn’t need to give yourself this much trouble, I’m with you, it would have been perfect anywhere. And I’m not stressed, don’t worry.” He placed a hand on his arm, as soft as a feather, before moving towards the entrance of the cabin. “You’re coming?” he asked, his eyes shining invitingly in the darkness.

He knew it was his last chance to say no, that once he crossed the threshold, he wouldn’t be able to stop it. He went without a second glance.

* * *

They were facing each other, making small talk and drinking that poor excuse of a wine Eliott had bought for the occasion. The brown-haired boy had teased him for five minutes when he opened it. It could almost be like one of their typical Friday night but something heavy was weighing on them, every glance more intense than the last one. Eliott tried to fix his attention on the food in front of him or the bottle, the label of which he had almost peeled off entirely while Lucas was talking. Anything to distract him from the flickers of light the candles were projecting on the other’s hair, the swift movement of his tongue when he was wetting his lips after talking for too long. The conversation eventually dried down and they stayed in silence for a few seconds that seemed to blend into infinity.

Eliott took a cigarette and lightened it, still avoiding to look at his friend.

“Do you have any questions before we.. start?” They were coming to it, it felt inevitable now.

Lucas seemed mesmerized by the smoke and he almost asked again but the younger boy shook his head softly, as if he was trying to shake himself awake.

“No, not really. Just.. is it going to hurt?”

Eliott let out a humorless chuckle escape from his lips, earning a slight frown in return. “No, of course not. I’ll never hurt you, you know that right?”

“Yeah.. That’s why I asked you..”

Silence again.

“So, what do you want to do.. learn to do, I mean. Handjobs?” he almost laughed in front of the offended face Lucas made. “Yeah, I know, it’s easier because you’re a boy too but I promise you, we all like different things. What works for you won’t work for somebody else. ” Lucas pouted slightly before shrugging, unenthusiastic.

“Ok, so blowjobs then.” Lucas’ eyes became brighter then, lightened by curiosity and something Eliott couldn’t recognize but hope to be lust, or even, interest.  
“Ok well, how do you want to do that? Do you want me to do it to you or…”

Lucas shook his head from left to right, his hair falling closer to his eyes in the process.  
“I think it would better if I do it. If you want.. I think I’d learn better.” Eliott was sure glad the room was dark for the blush that seemed to ravish his cheeks was not discrete in the slightest. His eyes were drawn towards Lucas which looked cherry red in the dim light. Lucas bit his lips nervously and he had to refrain himself to drag him towards the bedroom immediately. Instead he forced himself to ask the last question, dreading it and fervently wanting the answer to be yes.

“And the rest..”  
“Yes, I wanna do that too. Everything.” Lucas bit his lips nervously. “I’ve showered before coming, you know.” They looked at each other again before bursting out laughing. The whole situation suddenly felt absurd and Eliott felt some heaviness lift off his shoulders. After all, this was still Lucas. Awkward, over-enthusiast Lucas.

“I wouldn’t say no to that..” The younger boy pointed at the cigarette in his hand. “Give me some?”

Eliott hesitated for a second, his eyes darting between the boy and the stick between his fingers. Hell, I only got one night, might as well enjoy. Let it be worth the pain.” a little voice whispered in his head, and he caved in. He leaned across the table and Lucas followed his lead as if they were connected by a string, opening his lips as Eliott stopped right in front of him and exhaled the smoke directly on them. Lucas inhaled the smoke in a shaky breath, his eyes closed. For a second, it looked as if they were about to kiss and it took all of Eliott’s strength not to lean in any further.

He straightened his back, leaning away from the other boy as Lucas opened his eyes at the movement. They were clouded, heady with something dark and Eliott knew they matched his own. They left the table.

* * *

The bed looked gigantic in the rather small room, the shiny white almost golden in the semi darkness. The bathroom was on the right, the shower visible thanks to a sliding door that Eliott had left opened. Lucas looked around but didn’t say a word, which was unusual for him. Even tonight, he had been particularly talkative. Eliott tried to remember how he felt the first time and the only feeling that came back to him was … bleak. It was good but not memorable. He would do anything to ensure Lucas would never feel the same about that night.

As if he had heard him, the younger boy sat down on the bed and looked at him, a shy smile at the corner of his lips. A intense pang of longing reverberated in Eliott’s heart and he smothered it with a cool determination. It’s all about him now. Keep your feelings in check.

“Is this how you plan to seduce guys? Come on, my clothes are not gonna take themselves off.” he teased and Lucas’ eyes sparkled brightly. He was in front of him in a second and the atmosphere changes again. He even thought he could hear thunder somewhere in the room. It was probably under his skin, he realizes as Lucas fingers slide underneath his shirt, his blue eyes never leaving his face. He closes his own, because as soft as these hands were, it was almost too much already. Lucas took takes the shirt of him swiftly and the gesture oozed confidence, as if it was done without even reflecting on it. And then Lucas lips are under his ear, a simple press of the lips first, before nibbling softly as he goes down his neck before stopping just above the collarbone and biting down hard. A deep moan was out of his lips before he could control it and his hand comes up brutally to grip Lucas’ hair. It doesn’t stop him and Eliott feels powerless against the assault of Lucas’ lips and his hands who roamed everywhere. He promised himself that he would not let himself enjoy it too much, that he shouldn’t, that he would completely destroy him. All that went out the window the second the other boy’s teeth grazed against his neck.

He had imagined himself as a professor, cold and distant, offering advice in an icy tone and he watches himself become the opposite, gasping for air as Lucas’ mouth traveled along his chest, hair impossibly soft and fingers infuriatingly evasive on his nipples.

Lucas takes him in his mouth slowly, adjusting himself to the sensation, calculating almost. Eliott uses the hand buried in his hair to guide him somehow and Lucas lets him : tracing the vein from the base to top, licking the tip slowly and back again on the other side. Eliott whispers strangled encouragement that almost get lost. He took Lucas’s hand and guided it between his legs and the other understands immediately, slowly caressing the balls, making Eliott arch his back at an almost impossible angle.

He tries to will himself not to look but Lucas moans around him and he can’t stop watching him, the prettiest sight he had ever seen. He had dreamed of that moment for a long time, feeling impossibly dirty everytime he did. It was beyond anything he had ever imagined. It was something entirely different to feel Lucas against him, his body against his own, his eyes searching his own, watching for pleasure. He had thought of that night constantly for the last week ; he had thought of every possible scenarios but never expected to be the one left without control. He had never expected Lucas to be so confident, he seemed to know what he was doing, even if he was clumsy and uncoordinated. He looks like he thought about it too, that he had been waiting for it. He yanks Lucas back up, his hand tangled in the luscious locks, more forcefully than he had wanted. That didn’t seem to be a problem for the spiky hair boy that moans against his neck before re-enacting his previous ministrations there.

Eliott turns them around, pining Lucas against the mattress, a jolt of unexpected pleasure coursing through him at the sight of dark, bitten lips and even darker, impossibly dilated pupils.

“Are you ready for the next part?” his voice sounds distant to him, raspy and hoarse.

If anything, Lucas’ eyes seem to get darker. He simply nodds as if he doesn’t trust his own voice. It was Eliott’s turn to kiss his neck then, aiming for a distraction in front of the discomfort that would come. The skin against his lips is soft and burning hot, its smell far from unknown but so intoxicating. He bites down then and is rewarded by a loud whimper that he wants to hear again desperately, forever if he was one day lucky enough for that. Lucas moved against him, inviting him to bite again and he did, as voracious as a starved animal. His hands are where he wanted them to be and he teased a bit before taking one finger in. Another whimper. He murmured soft encouragements in the other’s ears, soft The stretch fades, don’t worry. Tell me if it hurts… Lucas had sneaked a hand on his neck and he gripped him there, urging him to go on, arching his back, moving the front of his body against him, searching friction.

“Do it, I’m ready.”

Lucas insists to be the one to put the condom on and he fumbles a bit, adorably so in his eyes at least. Eliott falls even more in love then with the frustrated wrinkle on his forehead. He can’t stop itself and kisses it, as Lucas finally succeeded with a _humpf_ of triumph. They’re entangled then, resuming their former position and he gets in, slowly; watching every shadow on Lucas’ face. He plants a kiss at every wince, never on his mouth but getting so close it’s dangerous and he dreads he might failed his resolve. He tries to feel detached but then he’s inside and everything is burning, his entire body feels electric. He gets loud as well, cannot stop the moans and whispers escaping his throats, matching Lucas’s, like a unconscious conversation between their two bodies.

His hands are on Lucas’ hips, possessive and demanding. _Move them against mine._ And the blue-eyed boy gasps in return because the new friction is too much and the new angle hits just right. He mewls against Eliott’s skin as he huffs an husky laugh.

“Congratulations. I'm sure you know what that was. It's....” he whispers, and Lucas interrupts him with a throaty, almost plaintive whimper.  
“Yes, Shut up, Do that again.”

He laughs and complies as he trusts harder and harder. "You're bossy." he murmurs, mostly for himself but the hand on his hips grips him a little more and he knows he's been heard. It makes him strangely happy, the easy banter when they are tipping close to the edge.

Lucas’ moans get louder and their lips hover impossibly close to each other. He can literally feel the pull connecting them, and the younger boy watches him sometimes, when pleasure lets him keep his eyes long enough to connect with Eliott’s. Until he can’t do that anymore and the older boy knows it’s going to end soon and inexplicably, a part of him panicks at the idea, want to stop and engrave the moment in eternity. A small portion of time that would belong only to them and that he could hold onto for the rest of his life. He doesn’t want it to end but he can feel himself getting closer as his hips follow their own rhythm now. Then Lucas starts to shake under him and he realizes only now he has been touching himself. He never told him to do it and wonders again how much he did know before today. He wants to engrave this sight on his brain. It turns him on more than he would have thought.

The body under him arches beautifully and the moans in his ear feels sound dangerously like his own name and he almost kisses him right there, only stopping himself at the last second. He buries his face on the pillow next to Lucas’ face, groaning with frustration and overwhelming lust, submitting to the fire in his veins, letting it take over him. He doesn’t know if they came together or just a few seconds apart. The only thing he sees is the other boy’s face as he rides his pleasure, mouth slightly opened but utterly silent and eyes deep and dark as a stormy ocean. Eyes that never leave his face the whole time his orgasm lasts. That’s what wrecks him.

He thinks he could have lasted longer, if only those blue eyes hadn’t been on him, challenging and mesmerizing. He never could resist them, no reason that would change now. Especially when Lucas’ arms are around his neck, pressing him close. His whole body tenses as soft, exhausted gasps tickle the skin of his neck. The stimulations seem to be everywhere at once and he falls, colors bright under his eyelids, indescribable pleasure gathered in small explosions under his skin.

It takes them a while after that to catch their breath again. He doesn’t know how long it’s been since they finished; it feels like he is floating outside of reality; but Lucas is still staring at the ceiling, silent, his breathing heavy and irregular.

 _He must be realizing what we just did,_ Eliott thinks and it terrifies him, the avalanche of thoughts probably tumbling inside Lucas’ mind right now. He wants him to say something, because his own mind is blank, unable to form coherent thoughts and words. His whole body is tingly and Lucas’ smell is enveloping him, melting his senses. He needs the other boy to speak; because he can’t.

_Maybe he came to his senses and is regretting it.. Does he hate me? What have I done?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seems like Eliott failed at being detached. And read Lucas. You'll see how luch soon. Thanks for reading ^^


	4. Octopus and decisions

Eliott was too stunned to move, his hand stopped above the candle he had just lightened.

“What the fuck Lucas?” He could not have said that. He must have misheard that. Surely it was an hallucination, a reminiscence of a dream passed.  
“Come on, Eli, it’s perfect.” insisted Lucas, excitedly. “You could teach me a thing or too. It wouldn’t mean anything to you, you do that all the time.”

“Wow, stop. Right now, stop. Are you high? How is that a good idea?” He fumbled with his words, his hands suddenly shaky and unsure. He gripped the corner of the table that separated them. Lucas was standing firm, all determination and burning eyes.

“Oh come on, Eli, it’s just sex. You always say it’s nothing, you did it tonight, why make a fuss of it now?”

“Because it’s us. You can’t just ask me to “teach” you? What do you take me for? A sex guru?”

“Well, that’s certainly how you see yourself. You always talk about your “exploits” in front of me and the guys, showing off all those people you sleep with. Making sure we know what you’re doing.” His pupils were accusatory and seems thin as slits in the dimmed room. With the read aura of the candles, he almost became scary.

“I don’t do that…”

“Oh yes, you do. You do realize you always look at me before you leave with one of your toys, right? Like you need my validation or something. Well, now is the time to show me what you got.” His tone became suddenly soft and caressing as a feather. “Please Eli, just, show me what I should know. Just one time, so I’ll know what it’s about and I can go on with my life. Be a new person.”

“And be with him, you mean.” Now it was his turn to make accusations, and he couldn’t be bothered to hide it. Not when Lucas’s words were threatened to swamp his heart with misery making offers he was so tempted to accept.

‘You don’t need to do that to become someone new.” Eliott croaked, his heart thumping against his ribcage. He was trying so hard not to think about what Lucas was suggesting, about the other boy pliant and willing against him. He dreamed about that for years, and now that he could have it… He thought about the reason.

“Why me anyway?” He hated how weak his voice sounded.  
“Well, first, you’re the person I trust the most in the whole world. I really do. I would never ask that of Yann or the guys.” They looked at each other and and Eliott was taken aback by the sudden kindness of the ocean blue eyes. And then it came crashing down again.  
“And, you have no feelings. Sex means nothing to you, that why I thought of it. You sleep with tons of people, not giving a fuck who they are or what they look like. You .. just don’t care. That kinda reassuring actually. I thought you wouldn’t mind, that it wouldn’t mean a thing to you. Even if it was me.”

“I don’t care.. I have no feelings.” he repeated weakly. “Wow.. is it really your opinion of me?” Eliott felt like the floor swallowed him whole, sending him straight down to a shattering stop, breaking everything inside of him. His breathes felt short. He hoped Lucas couldn’t see the tears prickling in his eyes. He knew people thought that way of him, it amused him, to a certain extent. But he never thought Lucas could say those things about him, speak about his feelings in such a derivative way.

The shorter boy must have felt he said something wrong because he came closer suddenly, tried to reach him above the table. Eliott took a step back, not trusting himself to look.

“You’re wrong you know, I do care about things. I care about our friendship, I won’t ruin it. I have standards you know. I won’t do that to us.”

Not when you think of me like this. I won’t have you like this. He turned around slowly, feeling Lucas exhaled softly behind him.

“I’m sorry Eli, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m not saying.. It was stupid of me, just forget I said anything.” Lucas whimpered as he moved around the space between them to hug him. Eliott tensed for a second but his body relaxed almost immediately, almost against his will, as Lucas put his head on his shoulder, his hair tickling his shin.  
“Please, don’t be mad at me..” he added in a whisper and Eliott’s heart felt too heavy for his chest all of a sudden.

He reassured Lucas, as distinctly as he could, for his voice was hard to find at the moment. They kept on doing the routine that was so well established between them after all their sleepovers but the older boy’s movements felt lifeless He couldn’t stop picturing what Lucas had suggested, a night made of open gestures and whispered instructions, the image so incredibly erotic he felt heat running inside his body. It didn’t help that Lucas kept brushing against him and ended snuggling against him as they laid down together in his bed to sleep. “Lucas thought about it.” a little voice in his head kept repeating, far into the night, long after the smaller boy had fallen in a deep sleep. _“He thought about you and him like that and he wanted it. Wanted it to be you.”_

What could he have said? Yes, and it would have feel like taking advantage, going in with far more that Lucas had asked. It would have been a betrayal, asking of Lucas far more than he was willing to offer. And what about his heart? How would he have been able to go back to pretending? Pretending his heart wasn’t literally singing everytime Lucas appeared in front of him, like he wouldn’t give anything he had for a night of the other boy’s attention. Like he wouldn’t sell his soul to go back to that fateful night and keep Lucille at bay, at least long enough to properly break things up with her.

Sometimes, he could swear, swear, that Lucas still looked at him as he used to when they were younger and foolish. He could swear his touches lasted longer than they needed to be. Usually, he was good at pretending he couldn’t see that, but lately it had become more and more difficult. Now it was becoming impossible.

* * *

The next few days had seen the air becoming heavy between them, as they scarcely spoke, much less than what they had been used to. He didn’t see Lucas until Thursday night, which was student night in town and where all the bars of the city where packed with wild, ready to have fun students from all universities around. They all ended up in one of the most popular bar, sharing a table that was way too small for their group. Idriss was seated next to him, trying to figure out who Eliott was going to pull tonight and the only thing Eliott was seeing was an unknown idiot sprawled all over Lucas, across the bar in one of the boot. The guy’s hands were everywhere, like small, sweaty tentacles, and all Eliott wanted to do was rip them off from his friend’s shirt. As for Lucas, well, by now he could recognize a wasted hedgehog (because yes even in the secret of his own mind Lucas would always be an hedgehog to him, it was their own private joke) when he was seeing one.

Lucas was too jumpy, exhilarated, speaking with his hands. Until he wasn’t speaking anymore. The blond octopus grabbed his face and brought it to his in an almost forceful gesture that had Eliott tensing in his chair. Lucas seemed unsure for a second before letting the other take the lead. They kissed for what seemed like an eternity for Eliott and apparently for Lucas too. But he quickly recovered a neutral face and responded with, what could pass as equal enthusiasm. Eliott’s fingers clenched around his glass. For a brief second he wondered if Lucas had felt the same way when he saw Eliott do the exact same thing over and over again. He quickly disregarded the thought. Clearly Lucas never felt that way.

He watched as Octopus Guy (whose name, as he would later learn, was Antonin) grabbed Lucas by his waist and brought them closer together, as he continued to leave open mouthed kissed along the other boy’s neck. There was no mistaking his friend’s furtive uneasy expression. He rushed on his feet, interruption Idriss who was babbling happily about this new girl he was dating and headed straight for them. Lucas was still letting himself be touched and Eliott stopped when he realized he knew the new expression on the boy’s face. It was a mixture of quiet resignation and determination and it made him sick in his stomach when he finally understood why it was there. He startled as they were getting up and stumbling towards the exit.

They were about to make it to the door when Eliott came between them.

“He’s not going anywhere with you.” He was not sure he could be heard above the music and the noise of people chatting the night away, but he’s pretty sure his posture told the tale. Sofiane always told him he could look murderous when he wanted, a real baby serial killer, they had joked about it and Lucas had readily agreed. He would be lying if he said he hadn’t practised it a bit, as a mask when emotions were too tumultuous to handle. He didn’t have to fake it now, he truly felt like he could strangle the groping idiot with his bare hands. Instead, he slided an arm under on of Lucas,chasing the stranger’s hand that was already resting there, far too proprietary.

The unknown jackass protested, his drunken words slurred and useless, but Eliott shot him his deadliest stare in response, not even bothering to try and listen to what the other was saying. He was this close to punching him and he was sure the other got the message. Antonin stared nastily back but he was way smaller than him and he didn’t push, finally letting go of Lucas who was weakly protesting. Eliott pulled the other boy towards him with force, making him stumble backwards and into his chest. He opened his mouth to argue but Eliott left him no time, as he started to drag him across the bar to the other exit.

They passed the others and he vaguely waved them goodbye, Lucas on his trail. They were both outside the bar in a few seconds, and he felt at that moment, the pent-up anger he had tried to keep under control, boiling slowly under his skin. Lucas was staring at him, with his usual doe eyes, both innocent and angry, a strange if not endearing look. He didn’t trust himself to speak so he decided to turn around and head home, secretly hoping the other boy would follow him. He almost sighed with relief when it happened. They stayed in a awkward, angry silence until they reached the inside of his apartment.

“What the hell was that?” Lucas hissed between his teeth, and Eliott realized he was far less drunk than he first imagined. “It was almost done, what the hell were you thinking?”

He was stunned for a few seconds before anger (and jealousy if he had to be totally honest with himself) got the best of him. He dropped his keys inside the bowl in the hallway before abruptly taking off his jacket, refusing to meet Lucas’ eyes.

“What was I thinking? And what about you, getting all over that douche? Since when do you accept strangers’ tongue down your throat?” 

“If I recall correctly, I’m an adult and I can do what I want.” Lucas was trying to stand tall and dignified but his drunken state made it difficult as he was unsteady on his feet. He was currently using the back of the couch to keep standing straight. “And you’re hardly the right person to be outraged by flirting.”

“You call that flirting? It was disgusting at best. Don’t look at me like that, you didn’t even look like you enjoyed it.”

Lucas opened his mouth to reply but he closed it with a pout, and Eliott smiled proudly. Lucas was too drunk to lie to him.

“Fine, it was gross but it wouldn”t have lasted long. Why did you have to cockblock me all of a sudden?”

“Cockblock you? I saved you from making an horrible mistake! Why would you even want to sleep with this guy?”

“I told you why. And since you made it clear you’re not interested by it, it’s none of your business.” They were facing each other now and Eliott really hoped his feelings were not written all over his face. He remembered their conversation a few days ago and he felt sick again, for a whole different reason. He had hoped Lucas had dropped the whole idea altogether but clearly, he had underestimated his motivation.

“You can’t be serious! You really want your first time to be with that idiot? Have you no standards Lu?” He was being mean now and he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“Oh, you wanna talk standards? Funny coming from you. You sleep with literally anything with a pair of legs but you mysteriously discover standards when I ask one small thing from you?”

“A small thing.? Lucas you asked me to have sex with you! How can you not think about the implications?”

“You do that shit, all the time. You sleep with people and never talk about it again. I’ve seen done that with a freaking lot of your, hay, **our** college buddies. Just say I’m not attractive enough for you instead of pulling this standard bullshit on me. And don’t you dare judge me for something that you do.”

Silence came between them, heavy and blurry like fog, making things unsteady. Eliott was used to silence that meant more than words,but it was rarely because of a fight. He wasn’t used to dealing with an angry Lucas, especially not when that anger was directed against him.

“You’re too drunk Lucas, you couldn’t consent properly. You didn’t even looked like you wanted it. It’s dangerous to put yourself in situations like that..I’m not saying that to patronize you.” He added, raising his hand to stop the other boy from interrupting him, his mouth already opened to retaliate. “I was just worried. And If you have to be drunk to be “in the mood” with someone, it’s probably not the right person.”

“Well I don’t have a lot of options, do I?” Lucas’ voice was hoarse and defeated. “I’m just tired of being left out. I just wanted it for once, to know what everyone else already knows. What I should have known by now. I was stupid to wait so long...”

“Why stupid? It”s not…”

“Just leave it Eliott, it’s fine. I’m sorry for yelling at you. You were right.. I didn’t want to sleep with him, not really.”

“Yeah.. I know. That’s why I stopped you, you know. So you wouldn’t do something you’d regret.” He walked over to him, pressing a hand softly into Lucas’ shoulder. The air had shifted between them, lighter like the sky after a storm. Eliott felt a weight lifting off his shoulders. Lucas was with him, safe and not mad at him anymore, even if he had ‘ruined his plan’ as he had mumbled earlier when they were still walking in a all too silent street. And if a small part of him was slyly happy to have prevented Lucas from sleeping with someone tonight, he would not admit it, even to himself.

Or maybe, just for a few seconds, as Lucas was currently snuggling into his chest, after a much needed “let’s chase the alcohol away shower”. He smelled of Eliott’s soap and was wearing one of the taller’s boy shirt and to see him like made his heart beat fast. And definitely not in a platonic manner. He allowed himself to rake in hand in Lucas’ hair, relishing in the happy humming escaping the other’s lips. He suddenly remembered what he had said earlier. _“Just say I’m not attractive enough for you”._ How could he think that? If only he knew how he saw him, how beautiful and radiant he appeared to him, ever since the first time he laid eyes on him. How it was killing him to have him so close and so far at the same time.

He waited until he heard Lucas’ breathing becoming deeper and deeper. When he was sure that he was asleep, he murmured on his skin.  
“Lucas… A very big and selfish part of me wishes that you never find out that...You’re far more attractive than you know. Especially to me. Drunk idiot.” he whispered with a smile, kissing his forehead and pretending his lips weren’t tingling afterwards.

* * *

If there was one thing he loved more than falling asleep next to Lucas, was waking up with his body pressed against him, his face hidden in the crook of his neck, his breath creating an infinity of goosebumps on his skin. In those moments, the bittersweet longing inside his heart always was overwhelming. Usually he responded to it but hugging the small boy so tightly it woke him up. He would chuckle lightly, teasing on him on his morning cuddling tendencies “what would all the one night stands you leave at two in the morning without even saying goodbye would think, seeing you so soft in the morning.” He would roll his eyes and push Lucas away, usually aiming to make him fall out of the bed. They would laugh and tease each other until they felt ready to face the world outside their bubble.

But today was different. He had spent the whole night awake, thinking, weighting the pros and cons, thinking about all the possible outcomes. And all he saw, for all the perspectives, was pain. Unutterable, unbearable pain. Lucas was determined, he knew that now, he couldn’t be stopped.

There were two possible ways things could go : One, Lucas would go on with his plan and sleep with some random dude he knew or a total stranger on a drunken night like yesterday, meaning he could very well fall in the hands of someone who might hurt him, especially for the first time. He knew how dangerous and hurtful people could be, how they could take and take without caring if you liked it, or if you were hurt or ready. More than the pain of imagining Lucas in someone’s else bed, it was to imagine him hurt there. Hurt and helpless. Lucas was not a damsel in distress, far from it, but he would be vulnerable. And being vulnerable in the wrong hands could be disastrous. He knew that, had the experience.

Two, he could grant Lucas’ request and be the first one to touch him that way. Only to see him say thanks and go pursue the sandy hair douchebag who was apparently so attracting to him. Smashing his heart in the process.  
So, he was fucked either way. He knew he wouldn’t be strong enough to take the pain. If he had to..

“I’ll do it.” He blurted out, moments later, interrupting their morning routine. Lucas was pouring himself a cup of coffee on the kitchen counter, his hair an undescriptable mess, the traces of the sheet still visible on the size of his face. He stopped and looked at him, mouth agape in surprise.  
“If you still want me to. I’ll do it with you.”


	5. Aftermath

__ He can feel the body pressed against his, hot and familiar above the sheets. He feels dirty, and disposable. He expects Lucas to get up and thank him before gathering his clothes and leaving; he expects to be disregarded and ignored even if the small, reasonable part of him knows Lucas would never treat him like this. Not the Lucas who stays with him when days become unbearable, buried under the covers, telling him the silliest stories to distract him. Not the Lucas when once ran all across Paris to find him when he had disappeared only to comfort him until he got better.

He’s always expected the worst in people and he wished he could say that he thought differently about the other boy but he doesn’t. 

“I can hear you overthink from here you know?” The other’s boy voice was soft, barely above a whisper. He could feel turn towards him. He does the same, slowly, afraid of the look he could catch on Lucas’ face. He didn’t expect to see him look this good. His hair were impossibly messy, flat at the back where his head was resting a moment before, his cheeks lost their reddish hue from before but remained pink and alluring. Lucas tilts his head and looks at him, frowning slightly. 

“Is something wrong?” And because Eliott knows him, he understands that he means “Did I do something wrong?”

“No, of course not.” It’s not his fault if his miserable self hasn’t been able to keep his feelings separated from all that. “I should be asking you that actually.” _Let’s pretend to be normal._

He sits carefully on the edge on the bed.

Lucas’s smile is blinding, and it  _ hurts. _

“I’m feeling great! Sore, but good. Thank you.”

Eliott waves his hand dismissively. He doesn’t trust his voice right now but questions are burning his lips. Some parts of him wants to believe that Lucas felt it too, the shift of paradigm between them, the fucking  _ change.  _ Surely he can’t be the only one feeling that right now. This heaviness between them, pinning him under Lucas’ stare as he wants to run away from this godforsaken bed. 

“It’s weird..” Lucas continues, oblivious. “I always thought that I would feel different, a changed person, after I had sex the first time. Like it would be a life-changing experience. Frightening too. Something dark and scary I would have to dive into to become a “real” man at least. That’s what everybody told me, that I wasn’t really a man till I “loosened up”. But I didn’t feel that with you… It was just good. Natural. Like swimming instead of diving. Like we do when we go swimming together every summer. Does it make sense or am I being a total weirdo about this?” 

Frankly, Eliott doesn’t know how to process it. It feels like a compliment and Lucas’ feature are soft and.. something else he can’t read. But his emotions are over the place and he can’t think properly apart from the same words echoing in his mind all over again “Do you feel the change too?”

“Everyone reacts differently to their first time Lu. Maybe you’ll have your “Oh fuck, I’m not a virgin anymore moment later. Or not at all.” He shrugs. “Either way, as long as you’re okay it’s the only thing that matters.”

_ You’re the only thing that matters.  _ He doesn’t say that of course, because he can’t face Lucas smiling back at him and not understanding what he means. 

“Was it good for you?” Lucas asks again, disrupting his thoughts. He blinks, taken aback by the question and panic creeps on him. What can he say?  _ You’re the best one I ever had simply because I’m so in love with you I’m choking on it?  _

A small dark part of his mind supplies another answer, briefly, before he shuts it down.“ _ It was passable, we should do it again, you know, for practice.” _ He feels like he could choke on his own self-disgust. His thoughts still scare him sometimes. He can see himself spiralling soon and focuses his attention on Lucas instead, who managed to snuggle even closer while he was pondering what to say.

“It was good Lu. Actually, it was really good for a first time. You.. didn’t hesitate and you looked like you knew what you were doing. So, it was good..” It sounded so lame but it was actually the safest way to put it. 

“Is it always like this with the others?” Lucas didn’t look like he wanted this conversation to end. He laid on his side, propped on one elbow, all curious and quiet. It was an unusual attitude for him, always so full of seemingly boundless energy. 

“What do you mean?” What others? _There’s only you, all the time._

“The others.. You know, the people you sleep with at parties. Is it good with them too?” Shit.. 

“It’s fine with them too.. It’s convenient you know. Quick. They get their pleasure, I get mine and that’s it.”

“So, no barge for them then?” 

“No.. no barge for them.” The next words came tumbling out of his mouth. “The whole barge thing was an idea I had a long time ago, for a date. It never happened but I thought about it when we talked about a place to do this. It popped right into my mind, I thought it would be convenient. It doesn’t mean anything..” he adds when Lucas’ eyebrows furrow even further.

“Who were you planning on taking here? Did you change your mind?” 

_You. It was you I planned this for our first date._

Eliott had forbidden the memories all day while he had made the preparations. He had tried so hard to forget the heavy sound of the rain that night, the giddy anticipation when he had waited for Lucas in front on his flat. He had planned this all week, down to the last petal of rose scattered on the deck. It would have been their first kiss, he was sure of it. He should have felt the episode coming but with all the anticipation, fear and pain, he had failed spectacularly to do so.

He had been on a dangerous high all day and it exploded as he was guiding Lucas towards their destination. Lucas never told him what he said or did, but apparently he never said where he was taking Lucas that night. That’s why he chose to “reenact” that date today. Just to feel what could have been, for a few hours, if his brain had not forbidden it years ago. It’s horrible, feeling like you’ve cast away your own happiness and not even remembering it. Weeks after that incident he had read Dr Jekyll and Mister Hyde for the first time. He cried the whole day after reading it, heavy tears mixed with a strange sense of relief. He had figured the shape of the monster inside his brain, the destroyer that took over and burned everything he wanted. 

Jekyll dies at the end.. he thinks he probably would have followed the same path if Lucas hadn’t been there. Him and all the good that follows in his wake. 

“It’s a long story and one that’s really not important.” Lucas doesn’t press, sensing his mood and he moves on his side, pressing his head on the pillow. The contrast between the rich chestnut of his hair and the golden sheets make his heart aches again. “I’m gonna take a quick shower.”

He fully expected Lucas to be gone when he went back into the room, hair and skin still wet from his shower. He expected a cold bed, a note or a goodbye/thank you text, but instead he found the other boy fussing above a tray of food gently laid on the covers, Eliott’ shirt on his back, so long it lingered softly underneath his hips. 

Lucas beamed when he saw him, and his breath left him for a second. He could swear he saw a twinge of desire in the other’s eyes for a moment there, but he couldn’t be sure. 

“Apparently, I’m hungry after sex. But then, I'm always hungry, so what's new?” was Lucas only explanation for the feast on the bed and Eliott’s wish to end the night there to preserve his heart crumbles. They stay there for the rest of the night and he can’t find the will to leave the other boy here, so instead he lets him settle on his chest and fall asleep, oblivious to his struggle between disappearing and never letting go. 

It only becomes awkward in the morning, when they both find themselves fumbling with their clothes, each movement a ghost of the night before when their fingers lingered between the other’s body and his clothes. There is a new tension between them that becomes more and more apparent. Their bodies can’t seem to stop being in the other’s way even is the room is big enough for the two of them. 

He has to refrain himself from kissing Lucas for what feels like a thousands time before they finally make their way upstairs to leave the boat. The pull he feels towards the other is excruciating as they stand on the narrow stairs between the boat and the pier. Lucas feels so far away and near at the same time, one movement from his arm and he could bring him up with him, back into the boat and his embrace. He doesn’t, because he can’t bear to see the rejection. Lucas had what he came for after all, why would he stay?

But he is looking at him like he’s waiting for something, expectant and calm. The corner of his mouth twitches like it always does when he is frustrated. 

“So I hope you’re happy.” he starts saying, his voice way too high. He has no idea how to mask what he really wants to say. Lucas tilts his head, boring his eyes into him, silent.

“I mean, I hope you have what you came here for and all…” 

“I did.” 

“So, if you don’t have any more questions…” he gestures to the city behind them but Lucas doesn’t follow his movement, his eyes still on his face.

“I don’t, for now, at least, but I think I will. There’s much to learn after all and we’ve only scratched the surface.” And enigmatic smile unravels on his lips and Eliott feels a shiver of desire along his spine. Suddenly Lucas is in front of him and he can feel the warmth of his skin as if they were still naked under the sheets. The smaller boy tiptoes carefully and brings his mouth next to his ear. 

“You still need to take me to your family though. We’ll continue there, I still owe you.” And then he offers him the most scandalous wink and the wicked smile he keeps for special occasions, before bolting off out of the stairs, out of reach. 

“See ya.” he waves smugly, before turning around. Eliott stays petrified for a while and when he finally comes to his senses again, Lucas is already far out of reach.

* * *

  
  


To be frank, the next days are hell. It feels like there’s a gaping hole in his chest, right where his heart should be. All he can think of is Lucas. How his skin felt against his fingers, the noises he made, the column of his throat exposed and slightly distorted by pleasure. He can feel him against him in the sheets at night, when his thoughts consume him. 

They talk on the phone almost like they always do but something seems to be missing from their exchanges. Lucas laughs and talks but he always lingers before hanging up as if he wants to add something but doesn’t remember what. 

His chest feels numb and about to implode at the same time and it’s exhausting. So Eliott draws. Hedgehogs and raccoons, their spirit animals. He designs a whole parallel life for them, dates and sweets declarations of love, it’s the only way he really knows how to talk after all. Words seem stale and useless in his mouth, when Lucas is concerned at least. He’s too omnipresent to put into words.

Days are stretched but something is waiting, he can feel it. Something is going to happen with them and he doesn’t know if it’ll be good or bad. He just knows he wants to taste Lucas’ kisses again. One thing is clear, if he thought that sleeping with his best friend would help him cure his crush, he had been cruelly mistaken. Like Idriss has somberly said when he drunkenly talked about it, the very day Lucas left him on the boat “It’s the stupidest shit you’ve ever done.” He had then placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Or the bravest, I don’t know yet.” 

They had talked about it some more and Idriss had pressed for details, they had decrypted Lucas’ attitude and words again and again until late in the night. His friend has sipped his beer in silence before putting it back on the table, calculating his words. 

“You’ll do it again. You two.. you’ll fall right into it. You’ll never be able to do this only once. Prepare yourself Eli, and please, preserve your heart. And his.” 

He had contradicted him them, reaffirming it would be a one-time thing, that his heart was not in danger. Idriss had thrown his hands in the air, not wanting to develop and they changed topics. He had realized only later, way after he closed the door on Imane’s brother, that he had alluded to a threat on Lucas’ heart too. He wondered why.

He had repeated to himself that it would be only one night over and over again in the last days. He realized it was utter bullshit when he sees him again. 

There’s another party, of course, because it’s summer and they have nothing else to do. Well it’s just the guys and him. They’re already playing MarioKart when he arrives, directly after his shift. He saw them sprawled on the couch first and the picture throws him back into high school years for a split second. Then Lucas comes in, iced bottles in his hands and a huge smile on his lips. The second he lays his eyes on them, he knows. He wants them again, on hisof course, on any part on his body if he wants to be honest. It consumes him on the spot. Lucas’ steps falters when he sees him but not awkwardly, on the contrary. He comes straight at him and hands him a cold bottle, under the protests of the others. 

“He just got here, why is he getting one first? We’ve been waiting for them.” whined Basile, tearing his eyes from the screen for a second, which gives plenty of time to Arthur to throw a banana peel on his character’s path. 

“Yeah, well, contrary to you, he’s got a job, he deserves it more. Plus, I’m the bartender today, so shut up.” replies Lucas, still staring at Eliott who starts blushing under his scrutiny. 

“Yeah and you’re also losing. Beers are for winners, dude. What the hell Bas, mind the lava! Where the fuck are you going?” Arthur half yelled at the screen under the others’ laugh and Basile defeated expression. 

“Thanks.” Eliott took advantage from the distraction to walk closer to Lucas and grab the beer. Their fingers brushed and electricity ran through him, quick and merciless as lightning. Lucas’ eyes sparkled at their touch and he tries not to read too much into it. He looks at the bottle in his hand, it’s his favorite. Non-alcoholic too. 

“I knew you were coming, I kept it fresh for you.” They stay still and silent, unable to move. Until Yann’s voice interrupts them and urge them to come sit with the others. They move at the same time and once again, Eliott remains voiceless before the easiness of their movements together. They sit way too close, thighs brushing firmly and shoulders bumping into the others. There’s plenty of place on the couch though but neither one of them is making an attempt to make more space between them. Lucas and him talk quietly while the others are still busy playing. He was in the middle of a particularly hilarious story about Imane and him during class when Yann’ voice breaks their bubble.

“So Eliott, do you know who it is?” 

“What?”

“The guy who finally got our Lucas' _cherry_.” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively and Lucas groans beside him. 

“Come on, dude, not you too. I already told you, it’s not important to know the guy. I told them I did it.” he explains to Eliott smoothly uninterested, completely unaware of the drumming in the other’s chest. 

“You could still tell us.”

“You don’t know him, I swear. It just happened. The only thing that matters is that it’s done. You can all lay off my back now.” Lucas snaps, exasperated. 

“You should be happy that I'm not Lucas the poor virgin boy now. Can we change the subject?” His tone is cold and the boys mutter apologies, probably realizing now that they may have gone too far with their teasing. 

"I hope you didn't do it just for us." Yann utters sheepishly. "We didn't want to force you into anything."

Lucas shrugs nonchalantly , like he hadn't been affected. Eliott knew it was a lie. 

Eliott gulps rather loudly, anxiety rocketting again, and takes another sip, avoiding Lucas’ eyes on him. Guiltiness has been weighting on his stomach since that night. Yann must have sensed his unease as well as Lucas' because he changes the subject to Arthur's new boyfriend. 

He probably felt the most, Eliott understands. They’ve been pestering Lucas for a long time on that topic, urging him to finally be intimate with other boys, something he had always refused to do since his coming out. They never understood why. Eliott never let himself think about the reason as well. Until last week.

“So now you’re finally to ask that blond one out. Sorry I forgot his name.” Arthur changed the subject again a while later, his cheeks still a light pink.

“Ethan.” Lucas rolls his eye but he seems more thoughtful than angry, as if he had just thought of the possibility right now. “And I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Why not?” Arthur asks, eyes still glued to the screen. “The dude’s super into you. He has been asking about you to the girls, Alexia told me.” 

“Yeah and he’s got your number, Yann told us you were texting.” Eliott feels a cold grip circling his heart, pressing it harder and harder and pain makes him get up from the couch, feet unsteady. Lucas is looking at him, his face as guarded as a castle. 

“Sorry I need to smoke, ‘ll be right back.” He hopes he doesn’t look like he’s storming out even if he technically is. 

The balcony becomes his refuge, like it usually is. He loves the intimate atmosphere of these narrow places, suspended in the Parisian sky. Lucas and him love to cuddle up there, late at night when Lucas sleeps at his place. Looking up at the sky, observing the people below them, small and busy as ants, imagining a life for each of them. Part of him hoped that the boy of his mind would follow and he does, long minutes after, closing the window quietly behind him. 

“So, did you see any interesting stories down there.” He gestures to the not-so-busy street below, a perk of living in Paris during the summer. 

“Nothing so far.” his words are mixed with smoke, his eyes quick at avoiding the other’s. He pauses, unsure of his words. “I didn’t know you were talking to Ethan, it’s cool.”

“Yeah, he’s nice. But I’m not sure, it’s the right time.” Lucas glances at him, a mischievous smirk on his lips. His voice gets lower. “I actually wanted to talk to you about that.. I wanted to ask you if we could do it again. I don’t think I’ve learned everything I need to know. I feel like my education is unfinished… And frankly I can’t stop thinking about it. ” 

“Your education? What are talking about?” Eliott grasps the railing for support, his knees suddenly going weak and his heartbeats accelerate abruptly.

“Well yeah.. You’ve said you’d teach me everything, that night on the barge... And you haven’t.” 

Lucas is full on facing him now and Eliott looks at him with his mouth agape, too surprise to say anything. The summer air around them gets heavier, full of intend. Much like Lucas’ eyes. “There’s still so much I don’t know. Please?” There’s not reproach in his voice, only a quiet request. 

“I thought it was supposed to be just one night. That was the rule.” He hates how weak his voice sounds, how utterly unconvinced it is. He wants to do it again, he’s craving it. Lucas’ eyes glint with quiet triumph. 

“Well, looks like we should modify this one. I wanted to talk to you about that. I’m ready to change our first agreement, if you are...”

They both say keep silent for a while, looking at the other’s face, searching for confirmation or hesitation. Lucas smiles brighter. “I’ll let you think about it. You don’t have to, if it makes you uncomfortable.” He lays a gentle hand on his shoulder but it feels sharper than a sword. 

“And don’t forget I’m suppose to go with you to your parents next weekend!” He adds, looking fondly at the other boy's, beneath impossibly long eyelashes.

Of course, he wants to say yes. All he had been thinking and dreaming about all week, Lucas between his arms again, pinned underneath him. He had woken achingly empty, the throbbing between his legs almost unbearable each morning since Friday. 

_ You’ll keep him away from Ethan though. If he's busy with you, he can’t be with him. Maybe he’ll forget about him and see you, for real this time.  _ He shakes his head. 

“You can’t do that Lu. You’ve just done it for the time and the euphoria of it is getting you. It’s not a good idea.” 

Lucas opens his mouth to argue but the window flies opened and the gang poured themselves onto the balcony with them. Interrupting their conversation. 

“The pizzas are here, you coming?” 

They nod at the same time, same perfect synchronicity. Lucas turns towards him again and Eliott never wanted to kiss someone so hard in his entire life. 

“We’ll see.”he hears himself say in defeat in the quiet night and Lucas' smile could rival the moon by his brightness. He feels rather than see fingers intertwining with his own and follow the pull inside, thinking of Idriss’ words. 

“You’ll never be able to do this just once.” _Looks like he was right.._


	6. Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your king comments and reviews. 
> 
> I had the question and I just wanted to clarify : Lucas and Eliott didn't kiss yet, it's one of Eliott's rules that they're not allowed to kiss as a part of their deal. 
> 
> I'm not really satisfied with this chapter. It may feel rushed at the end but it continues on the next chapter! 
> 
> I hope you'll like it too.

It was a mistake. He should have known that, he **did** know that but he had complied anyway. He thought he could do it at first, being here with Lucas, in his childhood home, in in childhood bed, the laughing banter with his parents as they showed the other boy every embarrassing child pictures they had of him. He thought he could do it all, bringing a friend home like it was no matter. He should have known his parents would see through the mask and the carefully refrained, falsely nonchalant, touches. 

He had fallen hard and deep. It had been the case for a long time, he had made his peace with it, long before Lucas came to see him with his insanely, unrefusable offer. He had accepted it and done, he thought, a good job hiding it from everyone. He thought it would be the case here too. 

It was bad enough that they had guessed it, he could have lived with that. No, the hardest part was how  _ approving _ they were of it, his father’s eyes twinkling with humorous joy and his mother’s soft smiles when she saw them together were all little wounds that kept piling up on his heart. 

He had hoped bringing Lucas here would distract his parents from his “I-don’t-wanna-settle-down case” and it worked a little too well for his liking.

It had started from the moment they had climbed out of the car, in the garden, Caroline and Georges Demaury patiently waiting for them outside in the golden, setting sun. Eliott had taken his time getting out, abruptly captivated by the deep golden hue settling on Lucas’ profile as he packed his things spread everywhere at the feet of his seat. He had looked like a statue for a second, hard, distant and half covered in darkness. Then he had smiled at him and the ocean came to soothe the edges. 

His parents had been ecstatic to see them and they settled in a light, comfortable mood. 

The problem was that he had not anticipated enough how profoundly affected he would be by Lucas’ presence in this house, how domestic they were acting, even without talking about it. He asked Lucas to be here to distract his parents by his buoyant attitude and the sharp tongue his parents adored, not to be all soft; kind and freaking attentive. 

They were always together, and neither of them had planned that in advance, they just were.. Cuddling together on the couch, cooking side by side, constantly brushing against one another. They were four of them in the house but it felt as if they were two. 

The tension between them made him crazy, each touch sending wave after wave of electricity on his skin, eyes gripping the others and not letting go before being interrupted by an amused cough or a whispered invitation to get dinner. 

So here he is now, after only a day and a half, trying to resist the pull luring him to join Lucas on his lounge chair, laying on his belly, the sun caressing his back in the languid afternoon. He just joined him moments ago, pretending to be busy just to miss seeing him getting undress in the afternoon glow, understanding how quickly his resolve would fade witnessing that. 

He was weak, always had been. That too he had made peace with. Some people are heroes, strong-willed and unshakable, some harboured villains inside them that made them weak, quivering in fear and cowardice. Lucas had the strange power to make him feel like both at the same time. 

He knows, deep down, that the pull is too strong, it took him here after all, looking at Lucas, afraid to sit down next to him and touch, like they talked about. Another round to perfect it all, to polish Lucas like he wanted to be. No pun intended. 

Before he can register it, he is indeed sitting carefully next to the sleepy form of the man that haunts his days. He can’t say that he haunts his nights too, because he can’t sleep. Not with him pressed against his chest in his childhood bed, not big enough for the two of them, not small enough for him. They sleep together here, chaste and platonic in all appearances. His parents don’t believe it. The erections he had to hide all night don’t let him believe it either. 

He wonders if Lucas knows how affected he is by his presence in his bed. Sometimes, he thinks he caugh a heated glance or a knowing, secretive smirk but it’s too quick and he can’t be sure. So all he can have is this, he thinks to himself, and he lets his fingers glide in the smaller boy’s wet mane, relishing in the heavy, sensuous feeling against his palm. Lucas stirs and sighs, content, his muscles rolling softly underneath the skin of his back and Eliot gulps, too loudly. Lucas turns his head as to face him. 

“So, you’ve finally come down to me. You’ve been avoiding me all day.” Eliott thinks he can hear  _ I’ve missed you  _ behind the world but he can’t be sure. Lucas’ words are as secretive as his smiles these days. And he wants those words so badly, he’s just making them up. His brain is good for that at least. 

“I was mostly busy avoiding my parents .” That was true at least. His parents want to talk about him and Lucas and that’s precisely what he doesn’t want. He would rather have another lecture about how he should settle down. “You just happen to be with them all the time.”

“Unlucky for me.” Lucas sighs, his voice raspy from sleep. “They’re gone you know, they went to see a movie with their friends Claudine and Bernard. They asked me to join but I wanted to enjoy the pool a little. Said it would be the same for you.” 

“Yeah I know…” A drop of water glides along side Lucas’ spine and the desire to lick it off makes Eliott’s head spin. 

“So what have you been doing? I offered you to join like an hour ago!” 

“I was in my room, hiding all the pictures you don’t need to see.” 

Lucas laughs softly at that. “I think I had what I came here for anyway, thanks to your dad. I have blackmail material for at least a century now.” 

Their laughs echo on the heavy tiles along the pool. 

“Is it the only reason you came though?” He regrets the words as soon as they leave his lips but it’s too late. Lucas’ ocean eyes bore into him, deep and serene. 

“You know it’s not.” He raises himself slowly, water droplets following his movement, mesmerising in every way. 

“But I’m too hot to talk about this now, come on.” The buoyancy is back and Eliott lets himself be guided towards the water, eager for the coolness, but electrified by the naked back in front of him. He expected to slip smoothly into the refreshing haven but he’s short-circuited by a mischievous glint in the other’s eyes and he’s pushed and engulfed in blue before he can even comprehend what’s happening. He takes Lucas under with him and feels a brief, pleasant surprise at how unresisting the other is in his arms. They spit water as they resurface and their joy surrounds them once more, surprisingly intimate. Somehow, Lucas’ arms are around his shoulders, keeping them close together. 

"So, that's your second reason I imagine ? “ Eliott jokes, trying to shake off the dangerous feeling that slithers itself inside his body. Tiny water droplets are hanging on Lucas' eyelashes, enhancing their length,making the blue of his eyes even deeper. The joke falls flat as the atmosphere shifts between them again. He can feel the other's whole body pressed again his, each limb envelopped in warm water, except for the bare, wet shoulders and the temptation above. 

“Yeah sure” murmured Lucas, his lips temptingly close. He leans towards Eliott’s mouth and it takes him all his strength to move his head to avoid it. 

“Lucas, I told you,no.”

The other sighs, his shoulders slumping visibly. He rests against the crook of Eliott’s neck instead, his wet hair tickling his skin. . It makes him crazy, this almost ghostly sensation on the sensitive skin, the persistent breath on his neck. 

He holds back a moan when Lucas’ lips grow closer, biting his own. The second Lucas’ teeth graze against it, he’s done for. He gasps, almost surprised at how much his body has been craving this. He really shouldn’t be. He had thought it would be him, though, that would surrender first. He hadn’t expected Lucas to do take the initiative. After all, he was supposed to be the one “leading” what they agreed on, not the other way around. He underestimated the force of the other’s will, he has to admit that. 

He lets Lucas push him against the wall of the pool, swift and effortless in the warmth around them. He feels dizzy with how intense everything feels, how Lucas’ lips explore his neck nonchalantly like they longed to be there. Hands seem to everywhere on him, heading lower and lower on his chest and stomach until he becomes their prisoner. Lucas’s right hand is firm around him, undoubting. He catches a lightening of deep blue as Lucas looks up at him, his lips around one of his nipples and it’s all too much. He throws his head back, letting it rest on the edge of the pool, basking under the late afternoon sun. Electricity is coursing through his veins and he vaguely thinks it could be dangerous, mixing electricity and water together but then, Lucas changes the angle of his hand and the thread of his thoughts escapes him. He thinks he can feel his friend smile on his skin before pleasure takes him under. 

He wraps his legs around Lucas, pushes back slightly, trying to display a little power but he feels boneless in the other’s arms, unable to take action besides gasping and murmuring encouragements in his ear. He feels himself getting closer and he tries to hold it back, keeping the endless movement between their bodies as long as he can before it’s taken away from him. He fails and Lucas’ name escapes him as he comes, the evidence already fast dispersing in the water. They stay intertwined for long minutes after that, as he struggles to come down from his high. 

It’s his turn to keep his face hidden from view, embarrassed by the cry that escaped him and the red of his cheeks. 

“Is that why you came then?” he finally asks. He means it as a joke mostly, as a pun, to make the air light between them, after all this tension. 

Lucas moves his shoulder, forcing Eliott to look at him underneath his eyelashes. 

“For the most part yes. I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said on the boat. With hands and stuff, how it’s not because it’ll be with a boy that the same things will work. I wanted to test that. With you.” 

“Oh”

He doesn’t know what to answer to that, too scared of the implications. He remains silent for a while, relaxing on the other’s shoulder. He stays like this for a while, in a pleasant daze before he comes to a realization, startled. 

“You didn’t.. I should..” he leans downwards, heading for Lucas’ swim shorts but his hand is gently batted away. 

“Not now.. I’m fine. Tonight.” 

“Tonight?”

“Yeah, tonight.” 

  
  
  


The anticipation is killing him slowly, he could swear it. So is Lucas’ foot, tantalizingly rubbing against his leg, all intent and purpose, as he laughs to another one of Georges Demaury’s joke. 

He is divided between the sweet hurt of witnessing just how well Lucas fit in in the family dining room, in front of the steaming potatoes his mother always insists on making despite the hotness of the season, and the sheer desire that didn’t leave his body since that afternoon in the pool.

He feels like he’s buzzing with it, that everyone can see it. He hopes he hides it well enough but he know his movements are too abrupt to be natural, his eyes too bright, he saw himself in the bathroom mirror after all, he knows what anticipation makes him look like. He’s too far gone to care. 

He has Lucas against the wall the second the door to their room is closed. It’s kinda petty, but he wants to claim him, and his control back. Or just forget he never actually have any of those things. Lucas is surprisingly pliant against him, trapped between the door and his body.

Their clothes are thrown away across the room without a second thought. Eliott doesn’t waste any time before pressing him back against the door, his hands roaming on every parcel of skin he can access.

He falls on his knees so fast he feels a small tingle of shame, on how hungry he must seem. He takes him in his mouth in one go, savoring the skin like velvet against his tongue, how heavy it feels there. He takes his time, hollowing his cheeks, running the tip of his tongue against the vein, alternating between his hands and his mouth without mercy. He wants to ruin him, like the place his heart use to be in. Lucas gasps and writhe under his ministrations, his hand desperately clutching Eliott’s hair. 

He should ask him to be quieter but he accentuates his moves, aiming at making him moan louder, out of control. He succeeds. It feels amazing after being reduced to a mess earlier, almost like a redemption. There’s a part of his brain that warns him that Lucas is letting him to do that, that he understood his secret embarrassment at his lack of control in the pool and it’s his way to make amends. 

“ _ That’s just practice.”  _ another part of his brain supplies.  _ When he’ll get everything he came for, he’ll leave you without a glance. To go be with him.” _

The horrible thought comes then, almost making him choke. 

“ _ Is he thinking of him right now? Is that why his eyes are closed?”  _

He sucks harder at that, vengeful and Lucas arches beautifully towards him, his mouth agape in silent ecstasy. His eyes wide open, fixated on him. He jumps on his feet at the sight and he almost kisses him, almost. 

He hugs him instead, so strong he hopes Lucas understand it’s a kiss in disguise. 

The other boy lets out a breathy laugh instead.

“Wow.. good thing you stopped, I was going finish before we started..” 

Eliott doesn’t answer, the poison of his latest thought still there, and he pushed Lucas on the bed, less tenderly that he had intended but the blue staring at him get wider by surprise and arousal and nothing matters anymore. It feels like Lucas agrees with him on that. 

Because their movements are messy and they just melt against one another. There’s not a single space left between their bodies. Their hardness pressed together, they move in sync without talking. 

Lucas keeps his eyes on him the entire time and Eliott marvels at the sight, savors the feeling of his skin feeling tighter on him in front of the arousal he causes. They don’t talk this time, the intensity of the moment ties their tongues and makes their breaths shallow against the other’s skin. 

Lucas wraps a hand around their erections and guides their rhythms again. Eliott joins him and it’s the sight of their conjoined hands and their slow movements that tips him off the edge. Lucas follows suit a few seconds after that and yet another foggy thought appear, hopeful that maybe he’s enough of a sight himself to cause that. 

Lucas is spread on him, after that. They are all sticky and breathless but he refuses to leave his arms, resting against Eliott’s chest as if it was perfectly normal. In the spirit of the deal they had, maybe it is. 

And Eliott’s heart is a little bit more wretched than before.

He stills run patterns on Lucas’ naked back, savoring the velvet underneath. His friend’s whole body seems to be made of the softest fabrics. He’ll never get over how it feels, he can’t. At least he got to know that once in his life.

“We broke your rule.” Lucas whispers sleepily against him. Eliott tries to think about what he means but he comes up blank. 

“Your rules about us. You said never in your bed or mine. We’re in your bed now. We broke the rules.” He wriggles his eyebrows like it makes him happy and Eliott lets out a dry laugh. 

“It’s my childhood bed, not my real, everyday one Doesn’t count.” he replies, his eyes wandering on the ceiling. He feels Lucas moving a little closer still. 

“Why are you so bent on these rules anyway? It’s not like we’re gonna do anything wrong..” He can almost see the pout on the boy’s face and it makes it smile for a second. Before he remembers how little Lucas think of what they are doing. Of course it’s nothing big to  _ him.  _

“Because you’ve got to have rules with these things. Or they end badly. Almost always do.” 

“You speak as if you’ve done this before.” Lucas lets out a small laugh that soon dies on his lips as he realizes Eliott’s not laughing with him. 

He shouldn’t tell him, ELiott thinks in front of the furrowed brows and the lost expression on his face. But something akin to pettiness creeps his way on his heart. A small part of him wants revenge on how Lucas hurts right now with his touch, as much as he craves it. How detached and indifferent he is to Eliott’s feelings. His brain, of course, argues that his friend doesn’t know, that it’s unfair to blame for something the he, himself, should have stopped from the start. But, as always with him, rationality is washed away by feelings. 

“That’s because I did.”

He knows Lucas’ s gonna react, he’s waiting for it. Anticipation, nervosity and if he’s honest, a little shame settles in his belly. 

“Seriously, you slept with one of your friends before? Who?”

The eyes are bright and curious but there’s something else lurking there, something darker, unpleasant. He feels an unexpected, shrilling spark of triumph, almost immediately smothered by guilt. He shouldn’t have done that. He knows, by instinct, though he doesn’t admit why he knows, that Lucas is going to react badly. He could still lie. No one would know, he could play it off as a joke, and they could go again. But Lucas is not laying next to him, anymore, he’s sitting on the other end of the bed, facing him, his eyes dark and demanding now. He seems so far away he could be in another country. So he doesn’t lie. 

“Arthur.” 

Lucas stills completely, eyes fixated on his face.

“Arthur? As in my friend Arthur?”

He nods. 

“Eliott, what the fuck? When?” 

His voice has a desagreable shrillness to it, that he never heard before, not in Lucas, deep, soothing, always appeasing voice.

“Like two years ago.” he shrugs, affecting nonchalance. Lucas’ eyes are throwing daggers at him now, and he feels small, with the other so far away from his reach. He moves his hand towards, hoping to bring him towards him but Lucas moves back, even further, his back now firmly planted against the wooden part at the end of the bed. “Honestly, it didn’t last long and it’s been over forever.”

“How long?” Lucas asks, gritting his teeth.

“A few months.” 

“Months? What the..” Ok, he looks pissed now, Eliott has not been expected that. Lucas drapes the covers around him, eyes blazing. 

“Is it still going on?” 

“No, of course not.” Eliott shakes his head, worried. He wishes he could backtrack right now. Bringing it up was a mistake. He would be lying if he said this wasn’t the reaction he was waiting for however. But now that it’s here, he doesn’t know what to do.

“We were both unhappy, both trying to get over someone. One night he stayed behind to help me after a party we were both high and a bit drunk, we thought it might be a good plan. We did it. And it worked. Got our mind off things.. So we did it again the next night. And other nights after that. Until we didn’t need it anymore. Arthur fell in love with someone so he stopped it. And I was happy for him, sincerely. It worked you know, for him at least. We never did it or speak of him again after that. It seems so far away, sometimes I’m not even sure it really happened at all. That’s how little it mattered.” 

Lucas’ eyes didn’t soften at his words. He remains closed off, out of reach. 

“Who were you trying to get over? You never said anything.. neither did Arthur..”

How could he tell him? How could he admit that they both had been trying to forget their feelings for the  _ same  _ person? The very one sitting across from him right now. He still remembers how he understood, the night it started, the quiet longing in Arthur’s eyes as they landed time and time again on Lucas at the other side of the room. How he, carefully, brought the subject to him as they were throwing empty beer bottles in the trash, in a sad, Lucas-less atmosphere. Arthur hadn’t even tried to deny it, he had looked up at him, hunched shoulders and miserable expression. 

“ _ I’m not surprised to see that you’ve got it. You’re not good at hiding it either.” _

They’d poured their hearts after that, a joint passing between them. Talking about Lucas, everything that was him, the impossible blue of his eyes, the way his laugh lightened up his entire face, how unattainable he was, despite being so excruciatingly close. One look after, a heavy silence, and they had thrown themselves at the other, eager to forget. 

“No one important, really. It was … silly, for me I mean. It was just a guy Arthur met on the Internet and who had a girlfriend. Really, it doesn’t matter.” Small lie to prevent a heavy truth. A truth that wasn’t his to tell.

“So, all these parties where Arthur stayed behind, where I wasn’t allowed to sleep at yours afterwards.. That was because you two were banging?”

“Lucas..” 

“Nice to know. Really, it’s just.. peachy.”

“It’s NOT a big deal. It happened years ago.”

“Two years is not years ago. It’s recent. And you literally left me aside to bang one of my best friends. How.. How would you feel if I banged Idriss behind your back?” Lucas is visibly fuming and the older boy is struggling to keep his voice even. He’s starting to get angry too, he can feel it. Anger doesn’t suit him well, they both know that. 

“Ok, first of all, you could never sleep with Idriss, but I would actually pay to see his face if you try.” Eliott’ tries to joke but his friend glares even harder at him. “And really, it meant nothing. For either of us. You’re making a way bigger deal than we did when it still existed. And I don’t really need to justify myself Lucas, nor does Arthur. We had no obligation to tell you. It was just between the two of us.” 

The two of you.. Wow, nice picture.”

“Seriously, you’re mad because Arthur and I had sex two years ago?” His tone is mocking and cold. It’s all unfair he thinks. He’s the one suffering at the moment, the one who offered his heart only to have it crushed away because it was in the way of Lucas getting what he wants. Lucas doesn’t love him, not like he wants him to. WHy should he act like a jealous child now? It’s confusing and frustrationg and Eliott really can’t deal with more of these emotions. He’ll not be able to. 

“Yeah, forgive me for feeling betrayed by my two best friends lying to me to my freaking face. Really, how shameful of me.” Stunned, he watches as Lucas stands up, furiously and gathers his clothes scattered around the bed, clutching the covers around his waist, hiding his nudity from Eliott. 

Cold starts to spread in his chest, chasing the burst of anger that crept over his heart seconds before. He stands up too, his heart fluttering painfully, extending a hand towards Lucas. To stop him, to make him listen. 

“Please Lu, stop, why are you acting like this? It didn’t ..”

“Mean a thing? Yes, you’ve said that. Tell me one thing Eliott, did you kiss him?”

He steps back, frozen. 

“Did you let him kiss you?”

“Well, yeah but..” he blanched as Lucas’ face crumbles for a split second before the walls are back up. Lucas’ own interior prison.

“I thought so…” The smaller boy turns around and Eliott’s gaze lands on the hickey that covers half of the side of his neck. It brings him no comfort. The space between them seems unbridgeable. 

“You know what, maybe you were right. This, the whole thing, was a mistake after all.” 


	7. Falling apart

It is hours later when Eliott hears the door open again. He’s lying on his side, buried under the covers, tears drying on his face. Soft footsteps make their way towards him, silenced by the fluffy carpet. The covers move, bringing cold air, as Lucas climbs inside. Eliott wants to speak but he’s afraid that his sore, tired-from-sobbing throat will betray him. 

He can’t help but start as he feels an arm circle his waist carefully. He can feel the apologies in Lucas’ touch. A sigh escapes from his lip in response. The pillow sinks under him as Lucas lays his head next to him. Silence settles in the dimly-lit room.

“I’m sorry” murmurs Lucas, close to his ear. “I overreacted.” 

“It’s okay.”  _ Why did you? What made you react like that? Tell me it’s for the reason I want. _

“No, it’s not. I was stupid. You don’t owe me anything. It’s just.. I was surprised.”

“Surprised?” 

“Yeah.. surprised.” There’s something wrong in Lucas’ voice. Eliott tries to turn around but the arm around him holds tighter and he’s powerless against it. One single arm. 

“You looked really upset for something that doesn’t matter.” 

Lucas lets out a frustrated sigh and he feels like he pushed too hard on something too fragile. 

“Sure, it doesn’t matter, you said that before.”

“Lucas…”

“Nevermind. I’m supposed to be here to apologize. I shouldn’t have acted that way. It wasn’t my place. I shouldn’t ask for something that it’s not mine.. It’s just  … not my place, I get that now. I’m sorry.”

“What are y..”

“Goodnight Eli.” And just like that the warm around his waist disappears. 

  
  


The bed was cold when he woke up, which was highly unusual. Lucas always loved to stay in late when he didn’t have school or work, their sleepovers taught him that. He raises his head to look at his surrounding, only to notice Lucas’ clothes were no longer on the floor where they had been dropped the night before. Before they had their fight. 

He gets up with a heavy heart, dreading the confrontation. Lucas’ words keep ringing in his ears. He sounded so subdue this morning, almost defeated. As low as Eliott felt actually. He simply cannot understand why. 

There’s only his father in the kitchen, making a huge pot of coffee he probably had the intention of drinking alone in peace. Eliott’s mum always pesters him with his caffeine consumption, which leads him to drink it in secret, usually when she’s busy in her garden. Which was probably what she was doing right now. His father smiles at him when he spots him at the door, hesitant. 

“Ah there you are, I was waiting for you. I’m afraid you only have one croissant left, Lucas kept it aside for you.”

“Oh, that’s nice..” He spots the greasy bag next to a vase of freshly cut flowers. 

“He’s cut them with your mother this morning too. Been helping her since breakfast.” His father’s looking at him, he could see through the corner of his eyes. “I thought he was going to make you breakfast in bed, he looked at the bag of pastries for ages this morning. I guessed he didn’t want to wake you.” 

“Yeah, probably.” replies Eliott with a heart shrinking on itself inside his chest. 

“He’s a nice guy.” his father’s voice is laced with questions as he hands him a cup of steaming black liquid. His knees go a little weak when the realisation dawns on him : Lucas and his father like their coffee exactly the same way. 

“I mean, we’ve always been very fond of him but now that you’ve decided to act on those feelings of yours, your mother and I want you to know that …”

“Wow,wow, wow, what feelings? Dad, we’re not.. Lucas and I, we’re not together..” He can’t say the rest, the words die on his tongue. His father looks at him in a slightly puzzled way, tainted with soft exasperation. Like he used to when Eliott was a teen, adamant to go see a movie at a movie theater while underage, bravely going to his inevitable rejection by the theater staff. 

_ Why go if you know they won’t let you pass? You’re wasting your time, fighting the inevitable.  _

*He had thought him weak then, in his vibrant youth, his kind father who refused to fight because it was already lost in everyone’s eyes. 

“ _ I prefer to pick my battles Eliott, keep my fighting spirit for the fights that are worth it. Better to win the war than just one meaningless battle.”  _ He never understood it, especially not after his diagnosis. 

“ _ I’ll fight all the battles,”  _ he once told his dad, his hands still shaking, his muscles too weak after a depressive episode that had lasted weeks.  _ “I won’t let it win, won’t cede any ground. Never.”  _ He had refused to take his treatment then. “ _ I can win without it. I can control it.”  _

It took him years to unlearn this way of thinking. One stormy, moonless night, shaking with uncontrollable sobs in Lucas’arms, the first low he ever let the younger one see. He had tried to keep Lucas at bay, forbidding him to come see him. Pretending he would be okay soon, that he didn’t need anyone.

Lucas didn’t listen, he never did. He had found him, sitting on his bathroom floor, a broken mirror by his side, shivering from his cold; skin and hair still wet from the shower he had managed to force himself to take. He had picked him up and led him to the bed where they had lied all night. 

_ I fail, I keep failing.  _ He had admitted against Lucas’ collarbone.  _ I don’t know how to vanquish it Lu. It keeps winning.  _

_ “It’s ok” Lucas had answered. “You’ll kick its ass next time. Just rest alright? I’m not going anywhere.” _

When the fog had lifted and his forces returned a week later, he asked Lucas to go with him to a special appointment with his psychiatrist. That was when he started his new treatment, the one that gave him leverage to fight the other battles and  **_win_ ** _.  _ That’s also when he realized he was irrevocably in love with Lucas. 

“Why not?” his father asks, tearing him from the memories. 

_ Because he doesn’t love me that way. Because I’ve screwed things up with my big mouth and my stupid brain.  _

“It’s not like that between us. He’s interested in someone, anyway.” 

“Oh really?” His father sounds utterly unconvinced and it pisses him off.  _ Cant’ he just see that Lucas doesn’t see him that way? Why can’t anybody but himself sees that? The universe really does love to joke around with his heart. Even his parents are playing the part now. _

“Yeah, really.” He tries to keep the exasperation out of his voice but he’s clearly failing. Seems like his default mode these days, or this life, more accurately.

“So, why is he here? Shouldn’t he be playing the Bachelor while it’s still summer out there instead of picking prunes in the garden with your mother?”

“Because..” he actually can’t think of an answer. His father is raising a good point.

“If he wants to seduce a guy, there’s a better way for it than picking fruits with another’s guy mother. Either that or seduction techniques have really changed since my time.” 

They laughed and Eliott feels a little lighter, an unspoken hope raising in his chest. He thinks of their deal and the feeling disappears again. Lucas came here for something after all. He plunges his eyes in the dark liquid in the cup between his hands, frowning. Why was Lucas doing all that. Why be so charming and sweet with his parents. They were friends, deal aside, so it could be the reason, but it felt different, the quiet familiarity between his parents and the boy of his dream. It feels like he belongs. And he acts like he wants to. 

“You know, it took ages for me to ask your mother out.” His father changes the subject softly. 

“Why? Mum always said it was love at first sight, that you both knew.”

“Oh I did know. And a part of me knew she felt the same way, that it was.. safe to ask. I knew she would say yes and yet I waited until it was almost too late before making my move. I almost lost her you know. To that insufferable Guy, who was studying to become a banker. You could have been a banker son, can you imagine that? Playing golf and wearing Lacoste polos in Rolland Garros, every summer.”

They burst into laughing then, and Eliott feels suddenly even closer to his dad. He can picture him, with an angry frown, staring at his mother being chatted up on the other side of the street, in front of her porch.

“So, one day, I stepped in.” his father continues, his eyes shining with melancholy. “It took everything I had but I never regretted it. I couldn’t continue like this.” He turns his head slightly, gazing into his son’s eyes. “This was the battle I was willing to risk everything for.” 

“But why wait then? Why didn’t you do it sooner?”

“Because I was young and I thought she deserved better than me. I never expected her to love me enough to see past the awkward, science nerd that wanted to be a simple family doctor. I was not raging with ambition. I just wanted to love and be loved, like I wasn’t at home. Girls always kicked my heart, and I always let them. Because I was only accepting what I thought I deserved. So when you mother arrived and looked at me like she could actually see me, the whole me. Every quality, every flaw, I saw reflected in her eyes. So I got scared. Until the perspective of losing her for good became even scarier.” 

Eliott bites his dry lower lip, every word pinching at his brain, urging him to  **reconsider.**

His father presses a hand on his shoulder , tender and reassuring. 

“You deserve everything my son. And I think you found the right person for it.” 

His father’s words echoed in his mind all afternoon, especially after Lucas came back from the garden, faint dirt stains on his cheeks, and a flower in his hair. He had handed the flower to Eliott, before changing his mind and placing it gently in his hair. They had barely exchanged five words all afternoon. And the ones they had.. That’s why he was so nervous right now, fidgeting on the bed while Lucas in the shower. 

The young man had seemed preoccupied all day, always checking his phone. So distant it was unbearable. Even his parents had noticed, his mother softly asking the questions as they left for bed. 

“Nothing happened.” he had answered, his cheeks hurting from putting on a fake smile. “I guess he’s just tired.” 

And apparently he was. 

“ _ I’m leaving tomorrow, Eli, I’ve got to go home. I know we were supposed to stay here one more day, but I need to go.”  _

_ “I’ll drive you then, we’ll go back together.” _

_ “Oh no, don’t worry. I’ll take the train. I’ve just got paid anyway, it’s no trouble. You know how I love trains..” _

_ “Yeah I do…” _

And that was it, the longest conversation they had today. Eliott spots the half closed luggage in the corner of the room and the impulse to throw it out the window crosses his mind. 

_ “Oh sorry Lucas, you can’t leave now, your suitcase disappeared mysteriously. Must be the owls that live on the tree in front of my window. You can’t take the train naked now, can you?”  _

He chuckles wryly, as the image of an owl sneaking in to steal a suitcase ten times its size distracts him for a split second. He would have to draw that, and give to Lucas. He was always to first one to ask for his newest drawing. 

He suddenly thinks of the first art exhibition he did for school at the end of his first year, how Lucas had been here with him since morning to help set it up. How he had charmed every person there, even the teachers, especially his school friends, how he had looked like he belonged at Eliott’s side all evening long, loudly praising and explaining every piece of art he was exhibiting that night.

_ “We make a great team.”  _ had declared Lucas at the end of it, sweat shining at his hairline, his voice a little sore from having spoken too much. But his smile kept lighting up the entire room. 

_ “We sure do.” _ was the only thing he has managed to answer. Something so trivial compared to the enormity his chest. Those words were so little but they had seemed to hold another conversation that night. 

He had been at hiding his feelings to Lucas, but he was failing at that too apparently. 

“Don’t be so gloom. We’ll see each other before you even realize I left.” mumbles his friend as he re-enters the room with only a towel on his hips, energetically drying his hair with another one. He had always hated going to sleep with wet hair. Eliott secretly loved it because the smell of his shampoo was stronger in these moments.

“I’m just ..it’s too bad we can’t drive back together. Like we did getting here. It was fun.” 

“Yeah, well it can’t always be fun, you know.”

“Lucas..”

“No, seriously, work is waiting for me. And I’ve got to help someone who’s already working on the classes we’re gonna get in September. He’s s friend and he’s stressing out. I’ve gonna help him.”

“Okay..” he sounded miserable but somewhat not as miserable as he felt. 

Lucas passes him and he makes the decision in a split second, putting his hands on either side of Lucas’ hips, his fingers gripping the edge of the towel, lingering towards the inside of it. He feels the other one holds his breath and a small spark of triumph makes his way through the darkness. 

“Eli..” His tone is almost reproachful but he doesn’t care. With a slight pressure of his hands, the towel comes off. 

“I thought we agreed.” Lucas sighs as Eliott presses soft kisses on the outlines of his stomach, feeling the skin trembling underneath his lips and tongue. 

He doesn’t bother answering, using his hands again to bring Lucas’ naked body to his. 

They never left the bed that night, lost in a sea of sensation and craving touches. 

  
  


When Lucas leaves the next morning, to catch his early train, Eliott is facing the other of the room, eyes closed, painfully awake. His entire being is sore, craving Lucas’ warmth in the already cooling sheets. 

He hears the other ruffling inside the room, gathering his last clothes, the soft noise of the suitcase wheels on the carpet. He feels tears burning behind his eyelids, ready to spill against his will. 

He doesn’t move. 

He almost flinches with surprise when Lucas presses the softest of kisses on his forehead before leaving. He doesn’t know how he manages to keep pretending to be asleep, he’s pretty sure he’s doing a terrible job. 

“Bye Eli, I’ll miss you.” 

This sounds strange given the circumstances, it feels weird. They’re gonna see each other the next day when he comes back, right? 

  
  


They don’t actually. The only thing Eliott hears from Lucas when he comes back to his place in Paris is complete silence. His last day in Lyon was rather dull, even if his parents tried to cheer him up as much as they possibly could. His mother had tried to stir the conversations to his relationship with Lucas but his father had stopped her each time, probably sensing the problem with his son’ hunched shoulders and sad smiles. 

So he had expected to hear from Lucas, to see him the very night he came back to town. But he’s waiting inside his empty apartment and there’s no text in sight. No one from Lucas, that is. There are others though, ones that come from Lea. A girl he had hooked up with a few times before. A tall, blond, green eyed girl, who was in his Contemporary Art class before she dropped off. She was fun and chatty, really good in bed and they had fun. That’s why he picks up the phone the fifth time she calls, after he sees the stories of Lucas and his friends at another gathering, Ethan right by his side. Like he belonged there too. 

That’s why he goes to her flat that night too, and why he lets himself be guided to a bedroom he cares very little for. He’s out of there by morning, and still, Lucas hasn’t texted. And on his Instagram feed, a picture of Ethan.

  
  
  
  
  


He should have known, really, who the friend in need was. Really it wasn’t hard to figure out. It still hurts. They’re all in Lucas’ apartment, cause apparently he loves hosting parties now. He can see him in the kitchen, mixing alcohol and fruit juices in a gigantic, flashy bowl, Ethan glued to his side. They’re laughing together and Lucas is gesturing with his free hand, carefree and exuberant. He hears himself gulps as Ethan suddenly steps closer, his hand in Lucas hair, capturing what probably was a speck of dust.

Right, it probably was nothing at all. He’s no stranger to that move himself, always pretending he saw something in his hair to wrap his fingers inside it, savoring the silkiness underneath. When they spend their nights together, before the mess they were creating right now, he used to play with Lucas’ hair when they were watching tv, overly pleased with how soft and pliant the smaller boy became under his ministrations. He was the only one allowed to do that, Yann had told him one day. “He hates it when people play with his hair.” 

He doesn’t seem to hate it now, as Ethan keeps a strand of it between his fingers. Eliott thinks about going there and slapping his hand away, he can already sees himself going when Lucas raises his head from the bowl and their eyes meet. He’s frozen by the look on his friend face, distant and cold. Barely a tight smile to acknowledge his existence before turning to Ethan facing him. Where he’s standing, he can see their thighs touching, as Lucas leans backwards into the table, all casual and confident. 

He’s seen enough and rushed to the living room, grabbing the first glass he finds, gulping the liquid inside in one go, letting it burn all the way. He was already burning anyway. He doesn’t see Lucas’ eyes following him out of his sight.

The whole evening is a nauseating blur. He sees Lea again, turns out she’s a friend of Yann, they met at the campus café and bonded over their hatred of capitalism. Which he secretly finds hilarious because he’s seen the inside of her apartment, and especially her collection of books on how to become successful in finances. He can’t help but notice how she laughs a little louder when Yann is around, how she suddenly steps closer to him, her hand on his arm as Yann’s eyes flicker towards them. He sees Emma’s amused smile from across the room and his heart sinks a little for the pretty blond batting her eyelashes at him. She’s fighting a losing battle too. 

Yann seems totally oblivious to her flirting with him. Lucas isn’t. He doesn’t see him coming, busy as he is trying to keep up with Léa and her rant about the last Tarantino. 

“Ah you’re back in the game I see.” He jumps at Lucas’ icy voice and turns around. Lucas is glaring at him, eyes cold and furious, barely weakened by his smile. He doesn’t know how to lie. He barely registers the words and he watches speechless as glaciers turn their weight on the girl next to him. 

“I’m glad to see your crabs disappeared. It’s always so inconvenient when that happened. The inconvenient of exploring too much, I imagine.” His fake smile grows bigger and Eliott is so torn between anger and laugh he doesn’t react.

“Crabs? Wow, but you didn’t have any last Friday right?” Léa asks candidly, her voice suddenly shrilling. She’s drunk too much, they all have. Eliott doesn’t even bother looking at her. He’s mesmerised by the angry line on each side of Lucas’ mouth. They grow bigger at her words.

“Last Friday, wow, that was fast.” Ice turns to him. Anger wins, all torching and consuming. 

“What are you doing here Lucas? Ethan is probably waiting for you somewhere, don’t keep him waiting, since you can’t live without him now.” 

He gritted between his teeth, the images still running inside his head. Lucas glared at him before turning his back on them.

Eliott wants to follow him but he isn’t fast enough, bodies pressing themselves between him and Lucas’s retreating back. 

He stops dead on his tracks, as he sees a mop of sandy blond hair where Lucas is heading. The lumps in his throat is back and he retreats too, deep inside his mind. 

  
  
  


Later that night, he finds himself sitting on the stairs just outside Lucas’ apartment. It’s three in the morning now, and most people have left, leaving only people he knows. He’s hidden in darkness, the wooden stairs cold under him. He keeps repeating the words he wants to say to Lucas in his head, over and over again. He can’t seem to find the right tone : angry, indignant, sad.. 

He wants to shake Lucas, demand that he stops hurting him. From his hiding place, he saw Ethan leave, Lucas accompanying him to the door. Blondie asked for a date the following day, all coy and bashful. Ridiculous. Lucas has seemed surprised, his eyes big and shiny in the dim light of the hall. He accepted and Eliott had gripped the rail out of sheer, blind pain. He hadn’t been able to move since. 

That’s where Arthur, of all people, finds him. He sits next to him carefully, their thighs touching. They wave goodbye to Basile and Yann who go down the stairs with heavy steps and muffled, drunk laughters. Their proximity is comforting right now. They are acquainted with each other, it’s warm and familiar. Brotherly, as twisted as it may seem.

“So, you didn’t say goodbye to Lucas…” Arthur starts, adjusting his glasses on his nose. “He complained.” he offers as Eliott looks at him, dumbfounded.

“I’m surprised he noticed, with Ethan on his laps all day.” 

His friend makes a surprise noise at his bitter, biting, words. He doesn’t often show that side of him. But he can’t refrain himself tonight. 

“You’re exaggerating. They’re not that close. They’re not dating. Lucas told us..”

“They’re not dating yet Art. Yet.” He cuts him. The words cut him too, deep. 

“He asked Lucas out.” 

“Well, it’s not a surprise, is it? We all knew it was coming. Ethan is not particularly subtle and Lucas …”

“I slept with Lucas. More than once.” Another thing he shouldn’t have said. He doesn’t know why his tongue delivered it. Actually he knows but it’s not pretty. He remembers how Arthur used to love Lucas too, how he longed, like him, for something that he couldn’t have. He knows it’s not the case anymore but some part of him wants Arthur to suffer too, not to hurt him really, just to have a companion in pain. Someone who understands. He regrets it when he sees the brief flash of pain flicker on Arthur’s face. It disappears so quickly he isn’t sure it actually existed. 

“Oh..”

“I’m sorry Art, it’s stupid I shouldn’t have said..”

“Don’t, Eli, don’t. I’ve always known. If one of us was ever gonna be with him that way, it would be you. Always you.” His eyes are cast downwards, his glasses shining darkly against his face. Eliott presses a hand on his knee, a small gesture to convey all the comfort he can spare. He doesn’t have much.

Arthur looks up to him again and smile, one that doesn’t reach his eyes.

“So.. you and Lucas.. How did that happen?”

“The stupidest thing, it’s not.. We’re not dating either.” He hates the disappointment he can hear in his voice. He sounds so defeated. It’s pathetic.

“He didn’t promise anything. I should have said no.. He asked for something and I gave it to him.. Something intimate.” he explains in front of Arthur’s furrowed brows. He can sees the exact moment he understands what he’s referring to. 

‘OMG, you’re Virginity guy?” Arthur exclaims way to loudly, his hands clapsing on Eliott’s arm in surprise. “Eliott what the fuck?”

“Shhhh he’ll hear you.”

Arthur ignores him. “How could you do that?” His voice turns softer. “How can you put your feelings in harm’s way like that.. What about him and Ethan?”

“It was stupid I know. You know what’s even stupider? I can’t bring myself to regret it. It hurts so badly and yet, I’ll do it again in a heartbeat.” He exhales shakily, realizing now how close to tears he was.

“You should talk to him Eli, don’t make the same mistakes I did. Talk.” Arthur replies firmly. Eliott knows the other man had tried times and times again to confess his feelings to Lucas. One day, as they were still lying in bed, dried cum on their bellies and their heart full of the same person, He had whispered with a newfound confidence :  _ “I’ll tell him Eli, tomorrow. I’ll tell him everything.”  _

He had simply nodded, not knowing what to say. He didn’t want to encourage him and see him succeed but at the same time, he loved his friend very much and wanted his happiness. Just not if he had to destroy his first. Arthur never asked him for any words of encouragement, probably sensing his dilemma. He had just informed him. The following day, late at night, Eliott had called him, dread heavy on his stomach, fearing the news. Arthur had just shared that he now knew it would never happen and he had made his peace with it. He never encouraged Eliott to do the same though. He had informed him it would be better for them to remain friends,  **without** the benefits. Eliott had accepted in a heartbeat. They had hanged up the phone as friends and stayed that way ever since.

“I told him about us, about our arrangement.. not your reasons for it. Not the true one at least.” he explains as fear settles in Arthur’s eyes. “He’s not happy about it.” 

Arthur opens his mouth to retort, clearly unhappy too at Eliott’s confession but he’s interrupted by the door to Lucas’ flat opening brutally. Lucas is standing at the threshold, a seemingly heavy trash bag in hands. He stills in front of them, his eyes landing on their brushing thighs and the intertwined hands on top of them. Both Arthur and him jump to a stand, unbalanced and awkward, both by alcohol and surprise. Lucas’s face seems to shut down as a shadow passes over it. 

“Wow Eliott, you’re on fire tonight. I understand why you were waiting here then. I see I don’t need to offer a place to crash tonight, you already have plans.” 

He plants himself in front of them like a storm, thunder concealed in his voice. 

He shoves the trash bag in Arthur’s hand with force. “Please take that down with you on the way.” he glares at Eliott before adding. “Since you seem to want to take care of that kind of thing tonight. Wear protections.” He adds viciously. He’s at his door before they can even reply, slamming it behind him. 

Utter silence settles in the hallway and Eliott’s sinks back down on the stairs, anger and pain choking him to silence. How can someone possibly want to love and strangle someone so much as he does right now. Tears threatened to spill and he forces himself to breathe slowly. The unfairness of it all is going to make him implode.

“Wow.. someone’s angry.” Something in Arthur’s tone doesn’t seem right and it makes him look up. The small smile on his lips stuns him.

“You know what this means right?”

Eliott shakes his head, numbed by emotions too violent for his control. He is so torn between his desire to pound his fist on Lucas’ door to throttle him or kiss him senseless, his brain can’t focus on anything else. 

“It means you’re going to succeed where I failed.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lucas strikes hard. I really hoped you like the chapter. Thank you so much for the kind comments, they mean everything to me, they really do. 
> 
> Love
> 
> Isa


	8. Statics on the radio

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again.
> 
> I'm sorry it took so much time for this update but I'm been sick then busy at work, it was a mess.  
> The chapter has been so difficult to write and it makes me pretty insecure to put it out there, but hey, it has to be done eventually. I rewrote it tons of times and this is the version I'm the most satisfied with. I hope you'll like it .

“I won’t cede any battles.” That was what he used to tell himself, back when darkness was consuming his every thoughts, hidden under covers that smothered him, battling against his own demons. 

He hadn’t need that sentence in a long time, the thought briefly ruffling his mind like a leaf chased away by the wind. He had support now, as opposed to that time, he hadn’t feel the need to fight with Lucas by his side during every storm, waiting for the sun to chase the clouds. He had never associated Lucas with battle, with war. Until now.

Idriss had mentioned it in passing, eyes captivated by the coffee in his mug, avoiding Eliott’ own.

_ Lucas has a date tonight. A real one, with Ethan of course. Apparently that guy is pretty serious about the whole thing. And Lucas doesn’t seem to mind, according to Yann.  _

  
  


Eliott had said nothing, he didn’t need to. He knew perfectly well why his best friend mentioned that and the whole conversation they had next was absolutely silent. 

He hadn’t heard from Lucas all week and he never expected to. Not after the way they parted on Friday night, with Arthur sitting, frozen by his side. He hadn’t never been on the receiving end of Lucas’ anger, not like that. It made him speechless. 

Hours later, he had reached out by text, asking the other boy to talk only to received an inflammatory “ _ Are you done fucking Arthur then? You sure took your time there.”  _

He remembered his own anger and his answer. “ _ I don’t owe you anything you know. And yeah, we’re fucking done.”  _

He hadn’t mean that, of course nothing happened between Arthur and him that night. He had been too dumbstruck to act rashly like he would have before. Arthur wouldn’t have let him anyway. 

“ _ I met someone.”  _ he had confessed as he had walked Eliott to his apartment.  _ “Ironically his name’s Lucas too.” It’s fresh, I don’t wanna jinx it but it’s going really well. I’m happy.”  _ He had seen that he meant it, truly meant it this time. 

Neither of them had seen Lucas watching them leave side by side from his window, a deep angry frown on his face. 

After those texts, they didn’t speak to each other. That doesn’t mean Eliott had not obsessively kept tabs on Lucas’ Instagram not missing a single post or story there, especially the ones involving Ethan. And there has been a lot of those lately, almost as if he was throwing them at Eliott’s face on purpose. He has to admit though, if he posted one picture of Arthur saying that he was the funniest guy around, he hadn’t mean it as retaliation. Maybe a little.

It’s not like Idriss’s news was a surprise, he can’t say that. Doesn’t mean it stings any less. His friend is long gone when he decides to act on the heavy weight blocking his throat. 

He’s out the door before he can properly think. He knows when they’re supposed to meet. He asked Yann who, surprisingly, gave him the answer without question, which was unusual given that Yann might easily, the most prone to suspicion guy he has ever met. 

He has less than an hour. He has to make their discussion last and avoid being ejected out of Lucas’ flat. Should be easy. Well, except there was nothing more terrifying than an angry Lucas, he had a clear reminder the other night. But that wasn’t what worries him. No, the thing is, he has to keep his cool. If he loses it, it’s very likely that he’s going to either confess every feeling he has buried in his chest for so long, or get seriously angry and bash Ethan in the worst way possible. If he has to be honest, the possibility of both of these things happening is pretty high. He can’t seem to get a hold on his feeling lately. That’s why he barges in Lucas’s flat the second the door opens one millimeter, despite Lucas’ “hey’ of protest and his heart beating wildly inside his chest. He has 30 minutes left now. 30 minutes to make the other change his mind and ditch date night. 

“Eliott, what the hell? You can’t just barge in here like a freaking rhino with giraffe legs! The fuck are you doing?”

He doesn’t answer right away, his back still on Lucas, standing in the middle of the room. He pulls at the bottom of his black hoodie, nerves suddenly coming back to bite him.

"Rhino ? Really Lu ? Exaggerating much ?" He smirks, hoping the other won't see the nervousness oozing out of him. Lucas folds his arms against himself and glares at him as an answer. He looks adorable. He also looks furious.

"So, no Arthur with you today then? Surprising."

He doesn't take the bait this time, instead he basks in the possibility Lucas' attitude can allude to.. He can't hope, not when Lucas is standing right here, getting ready for a date with someone else.

"Arthur is fine. Been telling me all about this new boyfriend of his." 

“Oh..” Lucas looks startled at that, his eyes getting wider for a second to show his surprise before returning to his neutral, if slightly frowning expression. He turns his back on Eliott again. 

“I’m very happy for him, but I’ve got to go very soon, so you’ll have to save the story for later I’m afraid.”

“That’s it? No apologies?”

“Apologies?” Eliott smiles, recognizing the warmth slowly rising in Lucas’ voice. They were bantering now, something much different from the venomous anger that had passed between them. “I don’t see why I should apologize..”

“Really? You called me trash and threw the door in my, and Arthur’s, face.”

“I thought raccoon loved trash? What? It’s true. It was merely a … reference to your spirit animal. Like the sweatshirt I bought you for your birthday.”

“The lovely _ I’m Trash _ one? Still holding that against you by the way.” 

They both chuckle at that and the taller boy feels the atmosphere becoming lighter around them, as soft as clouds, like it often is between them. He feels the pull in his stomach even more than before. Especially when his eyes land on Lucas’ frame and his carefully picked clothes, the deep red hoodie and gray pants that stick to his body like an embrace. He didn’t realize it before but he looks stunning.  _ He got ready for the other one, _ the traitorous viper in his brain whispers and the thought poisons his insides instantaneously . 

They’re standing very close now, he has managed to back Lucas against the wall of his kitchen without the younger one realizing it. He registers the younger one startled little jump as his back hits the wall softly. 

“Like I said, I should get ready, I was about to leave.” Lucas mumbles, not meeting his eyes. The older boy watches with adoration the small patches of red that begin to adorn the other’s cheeks. 

“Why did you react that way? About me and Arthur?” he cuts him off, his eyes landing on the clock on the opposite wall. If only he could distract him long enough…

Lucas shrugs, affecting nonchalance but failing to do so. He could see him lie from miles away. His skin vibrates with triumph. 

“I dunno. I felt stupid.. I overacted okay? Happy?” He’s looking at him, blue eyes all fierce and ready for defense. 

“Yeah, but why?” 

“I don’t have time for your games Eliott. I have somewhere to be you know.” He tries to move past him but the path is blocked. Eliott presses himself against the smaller boy, a soft puff of breath ghosting against his neck as Lucas tries, weakly, to move away. 

“I really hate you sometimes you know.” Lucas whispers again, against his chest, the air penetrating the fabric, grazing his skin lightly.

“No, you don’t.” He squeezes harder and they melt against one another.

They stay like this for longer than Eliott intended but he finds himself unable to break their embrace. Lucas has placed his arms around his hips, grounding them together. He feels the anger leave Lucas’s body, slithering away like a snake, slowly being replaced by a scorching heat that threatens to burn them alive. He thinks about resisting it, for a second, before his eyes land on the clock again. Lucas was supposed to leave 10 minutes ago. His date is in 20 minutes now. He’s not going to make it in time. If Eliott plays his cards right, he won’t make it at all. 

Lucas is still pressed against his chest and he thinks he can hear him mumble something there. He deciphers “hurry, have to go..” and he decides to move then, gently tilting Lucas’ head, relishing in the view of Lucas’s eyes on his lips. 

He follows their movement and presses a soft kiss on the corner of the small boy’s lips, smiling at the frustrated breath the other lets out. He kisses his way to the golden throat, ghosting his lips all over the landscape there. He knows it by heart now, knows exactly where to aim. Right here, just above the shoulder, a deep, firm, bite and Lucas melts against him, his low moan vibrating between Eliott’s teeth. 

It all goes pretty fast from here, they move in a disorganized rush of abandoned clothes and possessive hands. He’s half naked by the time they make it to the bed. Lucas pushes him onto it, aligning their bodies together with purpose.Eliott could almost admire the easiness with which Lucas moves in the intimacy of that situations, if only it didn’t also fill him with the dread of those graceful movements were not destined for another one, soon. 

“One more lesson then?” He tries to joke it off but chokes on the words. Lucas’ eyes grow colder, as the sea before the storm, almost dangerous in their glint. He can hardly see his face in the dark room, only lit by the fairy lights above the bed. 

“Oh, just.. shut up Eli.” Lucas’ arms circle his neck as he moves against him, pressing their erections together. Eliott’s so hard he can see stars already. He can guess a carnal smile before the hand in his hair pulls him against his lover once more and they move in sync, in a jungle of limbs and lips biting and marking skin without restrain. He thinks of Ethan waiting in an bright and cozy coffee shop not too far from here, hopeful and eager. How could he not be? He marks harder, where it can’t be hidden. Lucas gaps and moan in his ear, fingernails clawing at his back. 

“Come on, what are you waiting for?” 

The rest of their clothes comes off and then it’s just skin on skin, tortuous velvet that makes Eliott heart spin inside his chest. Lucas wants to lead, it’s printed in every move, every bite and turn of his hand. He takes as much as he can, headstrong like he always is. That’s one of the numerous things he loves about him, how he seems to be able to make every decision in a split second, like the answers imposed themselves on his brain. 

He feels it in every twitch of his hand wrapped around their cocks, sliding them together with intent. His tights tighten around Eliott’s hips, keeping him there. 

He looks at Lucas moving up and down slowly on top of him, his head thrown back in bliss and concentration, so close and so out of reach. He wraps his own hand around them too then, because he wants to bring Lucas closer, always closer. To the edge, with him. He presses his thumb on both of their tips and the small, surprised “oh” that escapes Lucas’ lips is worth everything to him. He falters on top of him, losing his balance and Eliott brings him down on him, chest on chest, his nose safely nuzzled into the crook of his neck. He keeps the pressure there and Lucas crumbles further against him, loud in his pleasure. 

He is relentless, determined to have him like this, helpless in ecstasy. 

His own pleasure is lost on him, he almost doesn’t hear the sound of his own heart pulsing in his ears, the waves overwhelming him every time his hand moves around them, the strain of his tights supporting Lucas’ weight. The only focus is the man above him, shivering and gasping in turn, rutting against him with abandon. He keeps his eyes fixated on him, taking in the tortured red lips, the long eyelashes keeping his eyes a secret, the frantic agitation of his adam apple. He sees him getting closer to his breaking point, and stares, bewildered, at every little change on his face as he comes undone, all because of him. A burning triumph enters his veins as he hears his name moaned again and again, so much he doesn’t register his own demise arriving. He cums between them in silence, as Lucas whimpers in satisfaction at the feeling, watching him orgasm between heavy, half-closed eyelids.

They doesn’t move after that, Lucas spread out above him, trying cum between them, as they slowly catch their breath. Eliott’s brain won’t let him rest though, it keeps coming back to the date and Ethan waiting. Then, just on point, they hear Lucas’s phone ringing faintly in the background. To be fair, it must have been ringing for a while. 

“I should get that.” Lucas groans, not moving in the slightest. Eliott feels panic slowly rising in his chest. He knows who is on the other line. He lost track of time but it can only guess how late Lucas must be. He wants him to be late a while longer. He presses his fingers alongside Lucas’ scalp, proceeding to massage his hair intensely. The other boy purrs under his ministrations, snuggling closer, all thoughts of moving seemingly given up. He places his other arm on Lucas’ back, caressing the skin absent-mindedly with his fingers. 

“Oh, fuck it.. I’m wanna sleep..” mumbles the shorter man, his head resting where his heart is, his breath awakening Eliott’s skin again, in a softer way, very different from the fire consuming it minutes ago. 

“Then sleep Lucas..” he murmurs back, lulling his lover to sleep with smooth hands and softer caresses. He succeeds as the younger boy finally falls asleep tucked into his arms, the two of them cut from the outside world, blissfully happy. 

He should have guessed it wouldn’t stay that way. 

The cold wakes him, as Lucas shuffles around the room, half dressed. 

“Oh my god, I’m so late. How could I fall asleep, seriously.” he bends over grab his socks and sits down on the bad again. Eliott feels his heart plummet inside his chest. 

“What are you doing?” he whispers, not trusting his voice any louder than that. 

“I’m late Eli, I shouldn’t do that to him.. it’s not correct.” Lucas doesn’t look at him and it hurts more than the rest. 

“You’re still going..” 

“He’s waiting for me.. I can’t cancel now..”

“Then you should put on a turtleneck.” Eliott replies, scornful. The other boy stares back at him for a second before rushing towards the mirror inside the bathroom.

“Oh my god, Eliott, what the freaking fuck did you do to my neck?.” He chuckles at that, half amused and more than a half vindictive. Lucas comes back into the room, brows furrowed in exasperation. 

“How the hell am I gonna cover that?” 

“You don’t.” He tries to look as nonchalant as he can but his hands become sweaty on the sheets. He’s still naked on the bed, hasn’t moved an inch and not ready to do so. But he feels ready to talk though, at least a little.

“If you really wanted to go, you wouldn’t have stayed.. or fallen asleep.”

“You made me fall asleep. You know I always do that when someone pets my hair.”

“I’m the only one allowed to pet your hair.”

“Same result, idiot.” Lucas starts pacing again, his hands on his hips. “I hate to be late. I’m never late. And the next bus won’t be here till half and hour.” 

“Then don’t go.” 

“I can’t just bail on him. I don’t do that to people. I’m not you. “

“Ouch.” 

“Oh don’t “ouch” me Eliott Demaury, you leave people on read or forget to meet them all the time. Usually I’m the one they’re complaining to about it or calling when you’re two hours late.” 

“True. But at least, I don’t get worked up because I stood up a guy.” 

“I’m not standing him up. If nothing, it’s a … delay.” 

“Fine, delay him all you want and stay with me tonight. We can order pizza, and watch a movie, maybe talk.. You can’t go outside with that anyway. That would not be respectful of you, don’t you think.” He tries to conceal his smirk as he sees Lucas narrowing his eyes towards him. His arguments are seeping through. He knows him by heart and it has never filled him more with joy than it did at that particular moment. 

Lucas sighs dramatically, like he can do, before grabbing his phone from the back pocket of his jeans. He must have taken it when Eliott was still asleep. His heart clenches when he realises his friend had turned off the ringtone. Like he wanted to keep the calls for him only. It was ridiculous of him to feel that way. Lucas probably only wanted to let him sleep for a while longer. Momentarily lost in thought, he had failed to see the moment where Lucas had pressed his phone to his ear and started talking. 

“Hey, I’m sorry I can’t come tonight, I couldn’t reach out before .. Yeah I know.. no, no, nothing too bad..It’s just .. something came up. Sure, another time. Bye Ethan.”

He hangs up and Eliott crawls a little closer, propped on his elbows, his shin resting inside his palms. 

“Another time?So you’re really gonna go on another date with him.” he almost hates himself for the inquisitive tone of his voice but he can’t help it. Lucas rolls his eyes but he sits down next to him nonetheless.

“ Well, I’ve just stood him up, I can hardly say no. And it’s just coffee. I’m not going to blow him in the toilets… And by the way, you’re paying for pizza tonight. Since you’re ruining my plans for the evening.”

“Please.You know you’re going to have a way better evening with me than with Jordan.. Plus, it’s kinda obvious you were not super enthusiastic about going.” 

He gets up and puts his boxers back on. The theatrical part of him wishes he was in a romantic comedy and that he could wrap the sheets around his waist with panache but this is not Hollywood and he would look stupid. And yes he tried once, and tripped on it. In front of Lucas, who laughed his ass off for hours after that. Speaking of whom, the same very blue eyes twinkle right now and maybe, if the universe is kind to him today, the same memory replays inside his mind. He lets out an exasperated sigh that a certain fondness in his eyes contradicts.

“It’s Ethan, not Jordan.” 

“That exactly what I said.”

“That’s not what you said.. Oh my god, stop it.” he fake punches him as Eliott bursts into laughter. He loves teasing him, especially if it takes his mind off of someone else. 

“Allow me to point out that you didn’t deny the second part of my sentence. In conclusion, a better evening awaits you my dear.” 

“Better how?”

“Better company, better food..” 

“Yeah, and I even got the, how did you call it? The  _ practice  _ sex beforehands, how convenient. No need to blow anyone on the toilets, that’s handy.” Lucas spats out humorlessly. The atmosphere darkens on the spot as the corner of Lucas’ mouth loses his upward smirk for a flat, hard line. Eliott feels like he lost his balance suddenly, like he missed a step on a suspended bridge. 

“Yeah… that too. ” 

“‘Cause it’s all about the lesson ? Practice make perfect? Is that what you’re doing.. with me? ” 

What can he say? What he felt ready to uncover a moment ago seems like dangerous territory. 

“But it does..make it perfect..”  _ Perfect with you.  _

Lucas doesn’t seem to hear his thoughts like he often does. There are statics on their radio.

“I see.” Lucas gets up so quickly from the bed he barely registers him moving before he gets to the door. 

“I’ll go order the pizza. You’re still paying though.”

“Lucas..it’s not..”

“It’s fine Eli, really, you’re right. We’re just practising. It doesn’t really mean anything.” He waves a dismissive hand into the air, looking away from Eliott. His throat shuts down on the words and he feels unsteady. All the words rush from his brain to his tongue but refuse to move further, leaving him with a mouth full of lead and a heart in ashes. He can’t speak now, he thought he could but everytime, he pushes himself away a little further. 

“ _ You’re so self’destructive.”  _ had affirmed Lucille one day, after one of their many, many breakups.  _ “It’s like you don’t even know what’s good for you. And even less how to get it. It’s sad to watch, you know. Sickening even. That’s why you need someone like me. To put the words on what you need. Because every time you do it yourself it leads to catastrophe.” _ It had happened after the Idriss incident when he was still mending the wounds on his heart at the loss of his best friend. He had felt anger at her words. Again himself. Because she was right of course. He destroys everything he builds.

“Stop moping and start moving.” Lucas breaks him away from his reverie, as he pushes a plate in his hands. His smile is kind and sad and he wants to reach out so bad it hurts. He finally does, hours later, when the empty pizza box lay empty between them as they snuggle together on the couch, a tacite imitation of their former routine, a flimsical attempt of  _ normal.  _

It doesn’t feel normal to have Lucas like this, distant and closed off, even if their thighs seem knitted together, stuck together as they are. 

This is not their normal anymore, that’s why he pressed soft kisses alongside Lucas’ shoulders, softly pushing his on his back as he gets on top of him. They sleep together again that night, and it feels different, less rushed, full of promises. 

“We’ve broken another one of your rules you know, with all this  _ practice sex  _ we had.” Lucas whispers hours later in the dark living room, the blue light of the TV basking him in an ethereal glow. 

He hums in response, snuggling a little closer to the shorter boy before pressing a kiss on his chest. 

He feels lighter than he has felt in years, lying there on this too small sofa. . He feels feverish with possibilities, and he keeps replaying their night over and over again. They keep talking after their last round of mindblowing sex of the night. Lucas confesses he wasn’t as interested in Ethan as he thought he was at first and Eliott briefly wonders if one could die of relief. It sure felt like he did for a second there.

“He’s cool but I’m not really feeling it anymore.” Lucas explains nonchalantly, Eliott’s head resting his heart.

_ Does it have anything to do with us?  _ He hasn’t dared ask the question, feeling the atmosphere was too fragile for it. He didn’t want to break their bubble. The time for forwardness is coming anyway, he was right to wait. 

“Idriss said he was pretty serious about you though.” 

Lucas doesn’t respond on the spot, instead a strange smile blossoms on his lips. 

“He is.”  _ But I’m not.  _ Just like that, the statics were gone and Eliott smiled against Lucas’ skin. The small boy didn’t comment on it or tease him about him. He could have if he had been more vindictive like Eliott was with his feelings about Arthur and him during their argument earlier. He simply sighed in content and they had dozed off to sleep again, delayed their conversation. 

“God, I can’t move properly and I got to work with Imane this afternoon. I think we had  _ practice sex  _ too much” Lucas grumbles the next morning, still insisting on the words like they were ridiculous while they head towards the door of his apartment. 

It makes Eliott’s heart flutter in happiness.  _ If you only knew how I find this notion ridiculous too.  _ “

“There’s no such thing as too much practice sex. It’s the number one rule. I’m gonna write it down in my book about sex I’m going to write after this experience. And anyway, I thought you were a diligent student.” 

Lucas sets his hand down on the doorknob and exhales slowly before turning back to him, back straightened out. 

“I am… But that has nothing to do with this. I’m not sure it really existed in the first place, this practice thing.” Finally, it’s  _ there.  _ The fucking words he’s been too much of a coward to say. He should have known Lucas would come through? He always did after all. 

Eliott feels a rush of adrenaline pumping throbbing inside his veins. He could hear all the possibilities behind Lucas’ words, denied of statics. 

“You know you’ve just insulted the book I’m thinking of writing.”

“Writing a book about this, ugh? Why not invent the job “Sex Teacher”? Plenty of opportunities there.”

“That was my second plan in case the book didn’t sell.” 

“You have a lot of rules for a man who can’t seem to respect them.” Lucas smiles in the shadow and Eliott’s heart soars in his chest.

“Yeah, well rules are overrated, don’t you think?”  _ It’s his time to be courageous now. To meet Lucas half way. _

“Lemme guess, is that your second rule?” 

“Probably yeah.” 

His eyes land on Lucas’ lips on that very moment and he feels himself leaning down slightly. The twinkle in Lucas’ eyes is unmistakable. But a door slams somewhere above their head and the magic breaks. 

“Shit. You’re gonna miss your train.” Lucas looks at his watch and motions him to hurry up. He’s working this morning. They exchanges a few more words of goodbye and Eliott’s already going down the stairs, ushering soft words as to not disturb the neighbors. Except these ones that ring loudly to his own ears : “Lucas? No more coffee dates?”

“Is that another one of the non-existent rule from your non-existent book?” 

Eliott glares at him from the bottom of the stairs and Lucas laughs, bright and unapologetic. 

“Sure Eli, no more coffee dates.” 

Eliott turns away then, partly to hide how wide this is making his smile, but mostly because if he looks at Lucas for one more second, he’s going to rush back into his flat and kiss him senseless and that’s not how he planned their first kiss. He wants to take his time now that he knows it’s finally coming. 

_ It has to be perfect.  _ He thinks as he is walking back and forth the train platform. He’s vaguely conscious that he attracts exasperated looks from other passengers but he doesn’t care. He has to see if he can rent the barge again, and maybe order flowers. He should buy a hundred, no, a thousand. He wonders if Lucas likes red roses. Maybe the thorns would bother him. Nobody likes thorns after all. He doesn’t even pay attention to the people he pushes out of the way as he climbs on the train. 

Lucas consumes everything. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A storm is coming. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and thanks to the lovely people who left comments on the previous chapters. It warms my heart in ways I can't even explain.


	9. Breaking down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am TERRIFIED of releasing this chapter. I know I always say that but for real, I'm really scared about this one. I hope I did a good job and that no one will be offended. If you are, don't hesitate to tell me.
> 
> TW = bipolar episode. Like some have guessed, it's happening in this chapter. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and leaving comments. I'm living one of the hardest time of my life now and writing helped me so much these past weeks.  
> Your kindness means a lot to me, really.

## Chapter 8 : Breaking down

He should have seen it coming. Really, he should have paid attention to the signs. But he had been so focused on Lucas and him lately, the very thought of them together and the ever-growing warmth that filled his insides at the thought of them together, finally, like he always dreamed. After he left Lucas that day, that was all he could think about. 

The next few days had been filled with endless, hot energy coursing through him, pulsing waves on an endless loop. Lucas and him had been texting non stop, and falling asleep every night with their phones glued to their ears. They don't mention their last conversation, on the threshold of Lucas’ appartement, bathed in semi darkness, but it's still there, in the air between them. It makes their voices softer, a endless stream of whispers and breathy laughs. 

They're flirting, that is clear at least. That's one of the thing that always made him giddy with emotion, how they know each other by heart but always manage to have something to say to each other. It’s slow but always growing.

Tonight is one of those nights. The infinite nights he calls them, for Time seems to stop just for him, as if all of its energy had gone into his veins. He feels infinite too, a bottomless well of energy. He had been buzzing with it all day long, his thoughts a whirlwind of images and ideas, lines and drawings taking form before him. Something else grows there too, a darker want shaped in the lines of Lucas' body. 

“I've been thinking about you all day.” he finally texts at midnight, his fingers tainted with ink as he relentlessly draws, for God knows how long. Lucas doesn't answer right away. It’s probably not a big deal but he feels unsettled and irritated. He wants Lucas with him now, all of his attention on him. So much he has to say. He’s been building up the courage to confess it all, for the entire week, he can’t hold it any longer. He has to tell him right now. 

His fingertips catch his attention for a second, they’re dark with ink stains, from the drawings that cover his apartment floor with black and white. All covered with Lucas, and his hedgehog counterpart. In the darkness, the ink looks like blood. Like he killed his fears with his bare hands. The thought makes him incredibly happier.

Finally he can’t hold it any longer and he bolts out the door into the almost chilly, late August night. He doesn’t have his shoes on, but it doesn’t matter. It’s not raining after all and he wants to walk. It’s romantic in a way, walking to Lucas bare feet, like a quest. He’s Lancelot tonight. He feels as powerful as the knight his mother used to read him stories about when he was very little. He’s going to conquer Lucas’ heart for real this time. He doesn’t want to be slowed down. He laughs out loud as the image of Lucas in a princess dress, making a disgruntled face, his heart fond and warm. He’s sure the other would find it hilarious too.

He’s not even breathless when he makes it to Lucas’ building. He’s even less tired. No, he feels as strong as ever and he presses all the buttons again and again before someone finally lets him in. He screams a thank you into the dead night that no one answers. 

Lucas opens the door right away, probably because he called his name in the stairs, he must have heard him. His beautiful, beautiful sky eyes look at him, questions shining in them and at the sight, love pours inside his veins like lava, all consuming. 

He grabs at Lucas' arms, urging him forward. He tumbles inside his arms as he locks his own around the smaller boy. He kisses him then like he always wanted to, hot and passionate. Their lips collide together in a disharmony of movement, Lucas' gasps of surprise lost between them. He doesn't realise that Lucas' not really responding, lost as he is in the tender heat of his mouth. He nibbles at his lips and Lucas detaches himself from his arms at that moment, before pressing a palm on his cheek, gently tapping his fingers higher on his temples, in a gentle touch . It makes him stop and look. Lucas' smile is barely visible, a sad ghost on his lips.

“Are you not happy to see me?” he asks, breathless, still high on feelings.

“Yes, of course I am but Eli...”

An embarrassed cough interrupts them and Eliott understands that they're not alone. He is there. The boy who claims to insert himself between Lucas and him.

“What are you doing here? What is he doing here? Lu?.” he pressed as he tucks Lucas by his side.

“He invited me here.” Ethan replies, anger hardening the lines of his face.

“No, he didn't. We're getting away together, didn't you get the message? We'll get married, like we always said. We're gonna get married, aren't we? That's why I came here to ask you. I wanted to ask the other day but I forgot.” He wants to explain so badly. Throw the reality in the other’s face. He hears someone gasp softly next to him. Lucas' fingers tighten around his forearm and he smiles at him again. That must mean yes right. It doesn't matter if the other one is here, Lucas wants to say yes. He has to.

“You should go..” he hears Lucas whispers, head turned towards the other. Victory.

“Lu..”

“Please, I should.. He's not.. Himself right now.”

Green eyes focus on him for a second and he wants to slap them away. Anger rumbles in his throat and the other backs away, before turning his attention at Lucas again, carefully.

“Maybe you shouldn't be alone with him right now. He seems off. Is he high? It could be dangerous” Eliott scoffs with contempt. He hates when people do that, whisper about him like he's not there. As if he could ever be dangerous to Lucas. There’s no one who matters more than Lucas. Not to him anyway. 

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Lucas snaps before he could argue with Ethan, cutting him short. It doesn’t anger him like it normally would, instead filling Eliott with pride. Lucas’ choosing him now. 

“I’m exactly where I”m supposed to be. ” Why isn’t he harsher though? Eliott wants him to be rude and angry, like he feels.

Lucas detaches himself from him and he yanks him right back, clinging at him. Lucas tumbles into his side but manages to stand right up.

“We'll talk later. I'll explain.”

He keeps staring at Lucas and barely sees the other nods slowly. He doesn't watch as he leaves the room, his jacket on his arm and closes the door behind him.

Alone, finally.

“Eli.”

“We should go. Get married tonight.”

The starry eyes staring at him shine brighter.

“We can't. It's almost midnight.”

“Then we need to go to Vegas. It's always open there. We can get married at any hour of the day.” That's the perfect idea, how could he not think of it before. Lucas had always said a wedding in Vegas sounded fun. What was it that he always said? 

_“Booze and a priest dressed as Elvis. Count me the fuck in. That's my kinda of marriage. Of course I’ll never get married but you know, one day, if ever..” He had looked kinda sad and Eliott had made the secret vow that day that he would be the one giving Lucas his goal wedding. One day.._

“We can't go to Vegas..” Why does Lucas' laugh sound so sad? Why should he be sad? They're going to Vegas.

“The airports are closed.” Lucas explains suddenly. He wants to shake him. No closed airports are gonna stop him now. NOt when they’re finally together. They’ve kissed, it’s official.

“Oh but it's not a problem. We can swim. I'm a good swimmer! And you too. If we leave now, we could be there by morning. We'll get married and have pancakes with blueberries on it. And tomatoes too. Which one do you want to do first?”

He starts towards the door, an uncontrollable laugh stuck in his throat. He's so happy he could die right there.

“And it's okay if we drown too. We'll be married at sea, lost together in blue. I don't mind dying if you're with me you know. We’ll be eternal.”

Tears build up in Lucas' eyes and he starts crying. It makes him stop. He chases the drops away with his thumbs.

“It's ok Lu. It makes me happy too.”

Lucas' eyes don't meet him right away, they stare at the ground for a few seconds. When he can finally look at them again, the tears are gone.

“We should drink something, before leaving.” he offers to Eliott, gesturing towards the living room.

He doesn't want to drink, he wants to leave, right now. He fidgets, unable to make a decision, his brain screaming at him, thousands of ideas he can't follow. Then it starts to hurt, inside his hand. Something is moving towards his brain, he can feel it. It’s going to spread soon. He doesn’t have much time. 

He feels a soft tug at his lapel and Lucas is leading him towards the couch, pressing a glass of water into his hands. He doesn't remember drinking it, his attention floating away from his grasp. He doesn't know how much time they spend together, molded into one another, him talking about all the plan he has for when they arrive in Vegas. Lucas smiles and nods but doesn't say a word. It takes a lot of convincing but Lucas manages to convince him to go to bed before they leave. He obliges even if he’s not sleepy, but oh well, he can indulge Lucas for one thing. He makes him so happy he deserves it. They snuggle under the sheets and his hands are on every inch of skin he can find. His lover doesn't stray away from him but he doesn't lean in either. He lets him explore his body endlessly, not getting further than that. 

He ends up engulfing him in a ironclad hug that Lucas reciprocates eagerly. He feels water on his skin where Lucas’ head lies and he wonders vaguely how water could have gotten there already, as his eyes wander on the ceiling looking for a crack. His brain’s getting fuzzier by the second, he can see the darkness coming from the corner of his eyes. It’s spreading fast.

The crash comes with the force of a tornado, endless waves of darkness and misery crushes him and takes him under all at once. He closes his eyes. 

  
  
  


It is always the same waltz, over and over again. Ironically the first thought that lingers strongly enough for him to grasp it is that he had actually forgotten to take his meds for a few days now. He had been so preoccupied, he had just… left them on his kitchen counter, untouched. Shame and regret settle in his chest and they spread too. To every limb and parts of his body. Utter misery that holds him down.

It takes days for him to get back to himself, one painful step at the time. He stays in bed for most of it, silent as a ghost. He feels like one too. Desperatly cold as well, except for the time Lucas lays close to him, warming him at a distance. It’s not as reassuring as it once was. Because he remembers the kiss that wasn’t reciprocated and his speeches. He remembers Ethan was here.

He’s aware of Lucas’ presence at all time, never pressuring, always soft and helpful. Minding what he wants and needs even if he doesn’t vocally say it. He always knows what Eliott needs. They have their routine, it’s not the first time but it’s different. Because Eliott’s thoughts are getting clearer by the minute now and they keep bringing him back to that night. Why was he here? Ethan? Why did he invite him?

So it feels forced, Lucas’s staying with him, watching over him like a reluctant hawk. It feels like.. for the first time, he’s a burden. 

He doesn’t speak during this time, eyes fixed on a spot on a wall, a stain they made with Lucas one day, as they were horsing around one day. Lucas ended up throwing some of his hot chocolate on the wall and they had collapsed into laughter. The memory aches within him. 

Four days after that dreadful night, Ethan comes back. Eliott hears them whispering on the other side of the door. 

“Please, give me another chance. Just one night, the two of us.” 

He doesn’t hear Lucas’ answer and it kills him. When the other boy comes back, some time later, he had managed to sit on the bed, muscles sore from the lack of movements. 

“You’re up.” Lucas sounds happy, but he tries to mask it, like it wasn’t an accomplishment of any sort, like it was a casual day like any other. He knows Eliott hates it when people fuss about what he does or doesn’t after an episode. He’s not even really out of it yet, anyway. They both know that. 

“Do you need anything?” Lucas asks, sitting down next to him, careful not to touch. 

“Who was it? At the door?” His voice cuts the silence, raspy and loud. Anger starts to rise, a sudden flush of emotion he can never fully contain. 

“Oh no one important. Don’t worry about it. Do you wanna eat something? Take a shower?” 

He wants to scream and be angry but his emotions are always fleeting and treacherous around Lucas and it has fled, the red, hot anger. He’s left with nothing. He shrugs, non-committedly. 

“Let’s go then.” Lucas presses a hand on his arm and he gets up to follow him, hollow and cold. The shower doesn’t help, not really. Even with Lucas’ tender fingers malaxing shampoo between his wet, greasy locks. There’s a void where his heart should be. His lips burn with unwanted questions. “Why do you lie to me? Why do you hide him?” He wants to ask, as he stares at Lucas between droplets of hot water. Wonderful, deceitful Lucas. 

  
  


It takes two more days for him to break completely. He’s up by then, still silent, emotions swirling inside his belly like a ouragan. The message that flashes on the screen is innocent enough. 

**Hey, are you still free tomorrow night? We could eat at mine, I have a great bottle of wine with your name on it.**

Lucas has just gone to the bathroom, leaving his phone with him. He knows he shouldn’t read it, but he caught the name and.. It was done before he could even stop himself. His eyes land on the bouquet of flowers that appeared on the table, that wasn’t here two days prior. Fucking red roses. Lucas always hated roses.

“ _Because, seriously Eliott, who buys flowers with_ **_thorns_ ** _to romance somebody?” They had been walking together, years ago, fingers brushing against the others, under a darkening Parisian sky. He had been looking for flowers to buy Lucille after yet another row and they had bickered in front of the flower shop for at least twenty minutes, arguing about flowers and romance._

_He had ended up at Lucas’ place that night, completely forgetting about Lucille and reconciliation._

_“What should I buy you then, if I wanted to court you?” He had teased, trying to hide how serious he was through a big smile that had fear and hopes straining at its corners. Maybe Lucas had picked up on that because his voice as he answered was soft as cotton flowers._

_“Sunflowers. Buy me sunflowers”_

“So Ethan texted you.” he declares as Lucas comes back towards him, heavy steps on the wooden floor. He couldn’t be discrete if his life depended on it. That’s one of the many little flaws he loved about him. 

“Oh, what did he want?” He answers absentmindedly. Like it didn’t matter.

“You have a date tomorrow night, at his place. How adorable. Nice flowers by the way, I know how much you _adore_ roses.” He gestures at the vase and the other boy pales suddenly. “He knows you _so well_.” 

“Eliott...”

“No really, it’s uncanny how much he knows you.”

Lucas sighs, as he approaches the couch with slow and careful steps.

“Eliott I’m not going to go.”

God he hates how Lucas is looking at him right now, all innocent eyes and frowning . Like he doesn’t know he’s crushing Eliott’s heart under his feets, burning it under his lies. 

“Why not? It’s third date right? The big one. That’s why you did all that right? Congratulations, you’ve made it.” He’s aware of how vicious and venomous he sounds but he can’t bring himself to care. He wants Lucas to hurt. Like he is. 

“It’s not what you think. He just wants to talk. After he saw you the other day, I think he has questions about us. About you and me?”

“There is no us Lucas. Clearly you’ve stated that by having him in your apartment that night. Right after we… you know what, it doesn’t matter. It never did.” 

Some part of him is proud because he doesn’t scream like his lungs are burning to. He wants to make everything explode with his voice. 

It feels like an ocean has settled between them, cold and dark, full of traps that threaten to swallow them both into nothingness.

“Nothing matters but what you want right Lu? You wanted it, you got it. You’re worked for it, to be ready for him. You worked body and soul right?” He succeeded. The other one’s hurting too now. Bile rises in his mouth as he witnesses the last colours leave Lucas’ beautiful face.

“How can you say that? After what we said and did last time? After what you said when you came here the other day.” Lucas stammers, eyes wild and watery. A mean thrill courses through him at the sight.

“There’s nothing more to it. I hope he’s good, at least, I hope he’s worth it. Using me like this. And by the way, I didn’t mean what I said. I wasn’t myself remember?”

Lucas winces at his own words. 

“ You know I only said that to make him drop it and leave you alone. He wasn’t gonna leave otherwise. I don’t mean that, you know me.” 

“Sure.” Indeed, he knows that. He knows Lucas never thought less of him, never minded or cared about his bipolarity. It’s low, attacking him on this. He knows guilt is gonna punch him in the gut for that. Later, just not right now. Lucas' still talking.

“..... And, It’s not what you think Eli. I only invited him here because I wanted to lay him down easy. I swear we…” He interrupts him, ready to pounce again. He wants to fight the pain out of his system.

“I don’t care. You used me Lucas. You used me as a toy to get ready for someone else. You never cared about what I could feel, what I could feel about that...” 

“How dare you?” Lucas breaks too, quiet voice but thunderous eyes. “Use you like a toy? Like you use me and every other people foolish enough to get too close? Tell me Eliott, how many people did you sleep with since we started this? 5, 1O, more? How fucking dare you make me the bad guy here? You know, fuck Eliott, you KNOW. ” 

“Well yeah I slept with others. Because all this was a fucking joke to you, that’s why.”

Lucas blanches and looks at him like he’s just slapped him. 

“So you really did then.. sleep with others. You never meant what you said last time..”

Eliott clenches his teeth, panic flowing through his system. He wants to explain, say how it really didn’t matter to him, the others he’s been with and why. He thought the why was obvious. He thought that the fact he meant everything he ever said to Lucas was really obvious too. But the flowers catch his eyes again and he keeps his mouth. 

“My God, Lucille was right.” Lucas whimpers and the words seem to be ripped of his throat. They hurt, both of them. “She’s been right all along. About you and me.”

“What did she..” 

“Please, get out.” They interrupt each other with the same breath and wide eyes, unseeing. It feels like the world is ending. 

Lucas turns around and bolts out of the living room before Eliott even comprehends that he’s gone. The bedroom door locks and the click sounds like a prison gate closing on his remain of his shattered heart. 

He goes to the door at least a dozen times, speechless. Nothing comes out of his mouth. He presses a palm to the door, shaping it into a fist as sadness morphes into anger once again on an endless circle. He ends up leaving the flat, smothered by a crushing silence, as he lets his hopes and dreams behind. He can’t look back at the window this time to see if Lucas is watching him leave. He doesn’t have the strength anymore.

  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. 
> 
> I tried to be as faithful and respectful as I could be. I researched and talked with a bipolar friend of mine about how hypomanic episode can feel and I hope I did a good job with it. If I did it wrong , please do tell me. My mum is a psychiatry nurse and we talked about it a lot (she respected Patients' privacy though, don't worry)
> 
> I can never understand what it truly feels so I hope I will not offend anyone. I have to say I have struggle with a feeling on illegitimacy with this chapter. I felt inadequate to tell this particular story because I am not bipolar. I just wanted to give a glimpse of Eliott's mind in these hard times. I hope I did it, and him, and all the people with this MI justice. 
> 
> For the depressive part, I used some of my personal experience though, and it was... hard . It helped though. Lucas and Eliott never cease to help me.
> 
> I feel like I keep justifying myself, I'm gonna stop now.  
> Thank you again, you are real sunshines, all of you. <3


	10. Date night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it has taken me this long to update. It's been a crazy few weeks. Anyway, I"m on holiday now so the next chapter will be coming shortly after this one. Next week probably.   
> The beginning of the chapter is Eliott's pov and the rest is Lucas'.
> 
> Thank you again for your kind words, I hope you won't be disappointed.

He bursts into tears as soon as he sets one foot in his apartment, his breath hollow and ragged. His heart feels dislocated in his chess, tiny fragments ripping into flesh, painful with each movement. He wants to tear it away. He doesn’t know how he manages to drag himself onto his bed but he collapses on the cold sheet as a dead weight. He hears his phone ring somewhere inside the dark room but he doesn’t bother getting up. Everything seems to turn to ashes around him, grey and unreachable. Tears blur his vision and the sensation of water on is skin brings him back to the heat of his brain a few days before, when he didn’t realise the water on his skin came from Lucas’ eyes. His hands tighten around the corner of his pillow as a red flame of hatred burns him up from his inside. Oh, how he wishes he could tear his brain out of his own head and burst it under his feet. He’d dance on the cadaver. Meanwhile all he can do is laying his heavy head on his pillow and cry himself to sleep. 

  
  


**_Lucas_ **

As long as he could remember, Lucas has always believed in parallel universes, not in fate, however, as he liked to believe everyone was the master of their own ships. But he loved the concept of a multitude of other Lucas out there, living the lives he couldn’t. It made him feel less lonely. When his father spat venom in each of his words towards him, he thought of the Lucas brave enough to punch the cynical smirk off his father’s lips. When his mother entered his room late at night to spread whispers of demons and saints, he thought about the one who was living in a small cabin on the beach, waking up with the red sun and going to bed with the shiniest of moon, lulled by the soothing waves of the ocean. 

And when he met Eliott, he thought about the Lucas who got to have Eliott, all of him. Not just the silly, endearing laughs and talks, picking up flowers for Lucille, or outfits for his dates, watching him leave with a different conquest at every party, night after night after night… The never-ending circle of a broken heart. No, the real, burning, exhilarating, thing. 

He thought he could forget about the  _ childish  _ beating of his own heart when Ethan had appeared. All kind eyes and sweet smile, the one who saw him, who praised him at every occasion. And he thought, “oh, you know, maybe..” 

It didn’t last very long though, and then Eliott and him were entangled in all the right and wrong ways and he hadn’t feel more sure of anything than this : there was no moving on from Eliott. 

That what he wanted to say to Ethan that night, when Eliott had burst into his apartment, all giddy and sparkling eyes. For a moment, he enjoyed the sweet, rushed words that was thrown at him, just a little too forcefully. He had almost forgotten about Ethan if he had to be honest. 

_ “He’s not feeling well.” _ Ethan had said, his eyes zeroing on Lucas’ tight hold on his friend’s waist. He was secretly happy Eliott wasn’t paying attention cause it would have  _ enraged  _ him, this polite, faux-affected tone. For a blinding second, Lucas had Lucille in front of him, hair sticking to their foreheads, basking in the orange lights of the street lamps. 

“ _ He’s not feeling well. And I can tell you, he does NOT want you here. _ ” her voice soft as a feather and cold as ice. He never met someone who could look so murderous and elegant in one rise of an eyebrow or the pinching of her lips. He had felt ridiculous then, as insignificant as a worm.

When Eliott pushed him away a few days ago, Lucille’s had words swarmed into his head again. Round and round they went. Until he punched them away again the stable wood of his wardrobe, until red tainted the light brown of it. 

He didn’t look at the time, but he’s sure it took him hours to get back on his feet/ Everything looked and felt bland around him, everything tasted like ashes. He walks around like a ghost for days after that. Waiting for Eliott’s to come back, to explain, to apologize, anything. But above all, he wants to kiss him again. 

That’s why he’s here, looking at Eliott’s door, four days after all went down the drain . It’s probably terribly creepy, he wonders what people would think of him as they’d walk by, helpless, standing there. That he’s pathetic surely. He’d think so too. 

He doesn’t know how long he’s been there when the door finally opens. His heart leaps in his chest, stress and hope accelerating its beating. It only lasts for a second because it’s not Eliott that’s facing him now, a surprised look on his face. It’s a woman, with wet blond hair, and legs that seem infinite. She startles in front of him, then stares with a polite smile. 

“Are you here to see Eliott? We were just leaving..” She is interrupted before she can finish by his friend coming to the door, his face blank when he spots Lucas. 

“I see.” Lucas whispers, his eyes fixed on the young man opposing him, blood leaving his face. He can literally feel his own blood receding in a excruciating wave, marking his face. It must show too because Eliott opens his mouth, stricken. 

He bolts then, rushes down the stairs and outside the building, his ears buzzing. He thinks of Arthur briefly and how he describes what goes on in his ears sometimes. The ringing, endless sound. He feels a renewed pang of sympathy for his friend. 

“Lucas, wait.” He’s pulled back again someone. A body, hard and soft at the same time, so warm and familiar  _ it hurts.  _ “What are you doing here?” 

“Nothing. I’m leaving. Twas a mistake anyway. I should have known.” he spits out, eyes boring into Eliott’s. 

The other boy doesn’t say anything but he doesn’t let go of him either. The street is calm around them, people seem to detour around them as if they can sense an earthquake of emotions is happening right under their noses. 

Lucas feels Eliott’s fingers tighten around his arm, and he struggles to mask his surprise, for his friend doesn’t seem embarrassed or apologetic at all. He looks pissed. 

“So, when is your big date with Ethan?” the taller boy retorts and he feels a chill ramping down his spine. _How does he know about that? Who_ **told** _him?_

“Where is your big date with her?” he avoids the question, shame burning his cheeks red. He feels like an impostor with his false bravery. 

“You’re not answering. That’s a new low, even for you.” 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Anger is starting to chase shame, but Eliott’s fingers are burning him through his jacket. 

“I mean, I knew you couldn’t wait to jump him, that’s why you did all that, not sure why I’m surprised..”

“Oh fuck you Eliott.” he snaps, finally pushing himself out of grasp. “You’re the one banging a chick, like what 24 hours after the stunt you did on me? Probably less than that, knowing you. Don’t you act all high and mighty on me. You’re the one who” he lowers his voice, eyes never leaving the other’s. “kiss me and then accuses me of playing you. You screamed at me and left, you never returned any of my calls.”

“So, you decided to finally bang M. Perfect instead?”

“Oh the freaking audacity Eliott! I’ve literally found you bout to go fucking someone else. What the actual hell?”

The other shrugs nonchalantly, or so he tries but Lucas knows him well too much to buy it. His shoulders look so tense you could break bricks on them. 

“That’s what you’ve always wanted, didn’t you?” Eliott’s eyes are fixated on the ground at the tip of Lucas’ feet. It makes him want to scream. 

_ Just fucking look at me.  _

In his peripheral vision Lucas can see her, approaching and then stopping a few feet away from them, eyes darting darkly between the two boys. He turns to her a little and sees Eliott’s scarf around her neck. The tartan one Lucas has bought him for his birthday. He feels his heart plummet to his stomach, for what like feels a thousand times since they’ve started this thing between them. The realization dawns on him. He can’t do that anymore. He doesn’t have the strength to. He tells Eliott so.

“He’s inviting me to his place tomorrow night. I’m no expert but yeah, it’s happening I guess.” He looks at Eliott who still refuses to look up. “Tell me not to go.”

“What?”

“Tell me not to go and I won’t.” He steps closer, and feels Eliott’s breath catch in his throat. It’s scary how much it thrills him. “Tell me. Please...” 

“You should go.”

The world stops brutally with a creaking sound inside his head and he can swear his heart makes a sound of glass as it breaks. Tears burn their way through his eyes and he swallows painfully.

“Ok then.” he murmurs, hating how broken his voice sounds. 

“Lucas..” 

“You’ve broken all of your rules, do you realize that?” He didn’t mean to say it. Eliott finally looks up and he suddenly can’t stand it anymore. He darts forwards, shoulders bumping into soft flesh, feeling two pairs of eyes prying at him. He flees, there’s no other way to put it, rushing away to the metro, losing himself inside the crowd. It’s over then, it really is. He feels his pocket vibrates all through his escape and it almost makes him stop.

He doesn’t come home till the little hours of morning, his body numb with the cold, too exhausted to think about anything. He half-expects Eliott to be there, sitting at his doorstep in the dark, waiting to make amends and just .. talk. Just talking would be fine. But there’s no one there. He takes the cold inside with him, sinking inside his bones, and drags everything with him on the bed bed he collapses in. 

**Saturday night**

Endless, restless hours later, he’s at Ethan’s door and the cold’s still with him, clenching to his muscles. He clutches to the bottle of wine he’s holding like it’s a lifeline, something that’ll keep his safe and sound. He actually bought it with Idriss before coming here. It wasn’t planned but he lives in the neighbourhood too so it wasn’t really surprising either. 

He had been wandering at the alcohool line at the Carrefour Market for what must had been like half an hour, eyes jumping from bottles to bottles, never stopping on any. His mind wasn’t there anyway. It was on a cold, lifeless street where his heart broke for the thousands’ time in this lifetime. So he had jumped when Idriss came up to him, all smiles and giddy joy at seeing him there. His smile had wavered when he had spotted the pack of condoms in his hands, but he had regained composure fast enough that it hadn’t been weird, it could have passed for surprise, for someone who didn’t know Idriss like Lucas did. 

“Oooh fun night in order, I see.” He had smiled again and Lucas had felt a surge of affection for the man who clearly respected his emotions enough to not pry on them. 

“Yeah.. I’m actually looking for a bottle a wine to bring but..”

“But you know nothing about wine, am I right?” They both laughed at that. 

“Yeah, I just know Ethan prefers red..” Idriss had nodded with a serious face, his eyes already scanning the isle. Did Lucas just tell his name because he knew it would be repeated to Eliott. Of course he did. Just because he was drowning didn’t mean he couldn’t make one last attempt to break the surface. 

“Here, take this one. It’s good. Earned a few dating points for myself.” Idriss had grabbed a bottle on the upper shelf and Lucas had admired the elegance of the dark green of the glass and the delicate writing on the tag. 

“You just took this one to show off how taller than me you are, didn’t you?” he had joked and Idriss’ signature booming laugh lifted a smile on his own mouth, a real one for the first time of the day.

“You know it!” he shuffled his hair, not unlike Eliott likes to do. His heart clenches briefly. “But still, it’s smooth and tastes amazing. You won’t regret it.”

“Yeah, I won’t. Thanks Idri, means a lot.”

“Pleasure’s all mine.” Idriss had started to move along, but he stopped and turned to look at him again. 

“One thing though, it’s my business, I know, but .. I think before you go where you need to go, that you should talk to Arthur. About .. things.”

Well, he hadn’t seen that coming. To be honest, Arthur had been far away from his mind, these last few days. He had been consumed by everything else. 

“Things?” he settles for asking.

“Eliott-related things. Things he can’t tell you because he’s an idiot. But Arthur can and he will, I think. Just you know, in case you’re not absolutely sure.” he pointed at the wine. “Might be a good idea to talk to our favorite Iron-Man ears boy.”

“But I’m sure.” 

Idriss had smile then, a sad one that don’t reach the eyes, and it looked like renunciation. “Alright then, forget it. Have a nice night Lu, okay? You deserve it.” 

He waved him goodbye and disappeared, leaving him with a bitter taste in his mouth and a disagreeable buzzing in his brain, like a bee who wouldn’t leave him alone.

He had cashed out and went to Ethan’s apartment, an ever-growing feeling of nervousness inside his stomach. It takes him more than five minutes to ring the door (he wastes them staring at it, unable to move, fishing the urge to run down the stairs the way he came) and he barely manages to smile as Ethan hugs him as a welcome, his hand sliding along his back in a smooth manner. He fights the urge to move away from it and clutches the bottle harder between his fingers. He knew what he was looking for after all, he couldn’t back away now. 

* * *

The whole thing feels terribly uncomfortable. He tries his best, he really does but he just feels out of place and a little numb. He keeps staring at Ethan’s profile, tries to admire the heart-shaped lips, the deep green eyes but he can’t be moved by it. Ethan sits closer to him, sipping his wine with a sparkling light in his irises. He tenses as he senses the inevitable approaches. The other boy’s hand in on his thigh now and it crawls upwards inch by inch, expectantly. He knows it’s the last moment before the fall, he ponders, trying to project into the void that is the future to him at this very moment. Before his eyes, a flash of an obnoxious smile and sultry blond hair. His glass of wine wavers in his hand as he puts it down too forcefully, anger bitter in his throat. After all, he’s not doing anything new here. 

Ethan gives him space, probably sensing his tension. He’s standing by the open window now, a cigarette on the corner of his lips, he looks ravishing, like a young James Dean, with his hair back, his burgundy shirt and black jeans. Lucas is sure, if he hadn’t met Eliott first, he would have fallen in love right there. His stomach churns uncomfortably. In another universe maybe.

“You’ve been very silent tonight, are you okay?” The soft tone expels him from his own thoughts. The blond man is looking at him expectantly, a slight worried frown on his forehead. He looks amazing. It hurts.

“Can we go in your room?” That’s probably not what Ethan was waiting for. His eyebrows shoot up in surprise. 

“Okayy, are you sure? We can stay here and eat, talk..” 

“Yeah, I’m sure. I want it.” 

He doesn’t, really, he can’t seem to want anything but Ethan doesn’t seem to know that. He forces his lips upwards in a smile as the other boy comes closer, leaning above him on the couch, his hands on his side of his face. 

“Well, let’s go then.” he murmurs in Lucas’ ear and the shivers it creates on his skin are not entirely unpleasant. 

He let himself being led into the bedroom, Ethan’s hand in his. Everything is red in the bedroom, the curtains, the sheets, the pillows. It’s suffocating. 

Ethan is militers from him now, an ever growing fire in his eyes. Lucas closes his eyes then and open his mouth slightly, letting the other kiss him deeply. It’s not bad, far from it, but his treacherous mind takes him back to the barge that night, to Eliott’s lips hovering above his, how badly he had wanted to claim them then. He had thought he could die from frustration when his friend had deviated his mouth to his neck, just before pleasure took over his brain. 

In his mind, he’s kissing him now, redirecting his mouth to his like he wanted to that night. He thinks of Eliott’s mouth, how it smirks and laughs and teases. The small bite inflicted on them when he’s stressed. The feel of those lips on his neck, everywhere. 

He pushes against Ethan then, lost into his own mind. 

“Wow.” the other one whispers when they part. 

Lucas doesn’t answer as he starts to take his own clothes off, then proceeds to remove Ethan’s, urgently. He doesn’t want to think anymore, wants to replace pale skin by a tanner one. He pushes Ethan onto the bed and climb on him, pressing open-mouthed kiss everywhere he can touch. It doesn’t help the cold pit in his stomach. He finally reaches his destination, and takes Ethan into his mouth, eager to act instead of feeling. He concentrates on the soft skin on his lips, eyes closed, trying clear his mind of all thoughts. Banishing everything that isn’t the man underneath him. Ethan gasps and moans, his back arching above the sheets. He applies pressure on the top then, with his tongue like Eliott likes it.. like he’s been taught. The notion hits him then like a brick wall. Eliott fucking taught him how. He trained him like he’d asked. 

Everything comes back to him all at once, the careful touches and reassuring whispers of the first time, the scorching heat of the last one. The tenderness underlying it all. 

It feels like his heart suddenly jumped up into his throat and he’s choking on it. On everything. He releases Ethan, breathless, tears impairing his vision. Ethan is on him then with a worried expression on his face, his arm around Lucas’s shoulder.

“Lucas, are you okay, what’s going on? Is it me? Did I do something wrong?” 

It makes his cry harder. It’s humiliating really, to start crying while you’re going down on someone, almost choking on their privates..

“Fuck I’m so messed up. I’m sorry.” he wipes his face but the tears don’t seem to want to stop falling. Ethan hugs him harder and he lets him, his head falling on the other’s shoulder on its own accord. “It’s not you.”

“Lucas, what’s going on? You’ve been weird today..” Ethan shakes his head, his voice laced with concern. “You’ve been weird for a while now.”

He opens his mouth but the words don’t come. Ethan makes him sit straighter on the bed as he stands up, hastily putting his shirt and his boxers back on. “I’ll be right back, don’t move.” he tells him before leaving the room. He returns five minutes later with two hot cups in each hand, as the smell of coffee and chocolate mix into the air. Cappuccino, his favorite.

“Here you go.” he places one cup, shaped like a robot, gently in Lucas’ hand and the heat soothes him a little. The small act of kindness makes his lips wobble in a dangerous way. 

“Do you want to have sex with me?” 

He stares at Ethan, mouth agape with the abruptness of the question. His first reflex is to lie but something in the other’s eyes makes him think it’s useless. 

“No.” the steam slowly evaporating from his cup seems to urge him on. “I’m sorry, I try, but I can’t..” 

Ethan purses his lips and he frowns. He doesn’t look pleased but he doesn’t react by the angry retaliation Lucas expected. Deserved more like it.

“Then why did you come here tonight? You know what it was right?” He gestures at the bed and Lucas recoils in shame.

“Yeah I did, and I wanted to, I swear. But it’s just, I  **can’t.** I really thought that I could with you. But as it turns out, I can’t, not with anyone else.”

“So there’s someone else.” Lucas grips his cup, threatening to spill his drink. Water swells inside his eyes again, threatening to spill too. 

“Is it Eliott?” His head snaps up, so quickly his neck almost crack. His drinks spill this time and hot droplets covered in foam land on his naked thigh. 

“Fuck I’m sorry.” he exclaims as he tries to wipe the stain that landed on the sheet near him. 

“It’s fine Lu.” A reassuring hand squeezes his knee. “I’m not mad.”

He doesn’t know if he’s speaking about the sheet or the whole situation here but the gentle shine of the green eyes that are looking at him eases the turmoil of emotions he feels trumped under. 

“I mean, I’m a little mad obviously but mostly, I’m just sorry. I shouldn’t have insisted to invite you here, seeing how things were between the two of you.”

Lucas shakes his head, self-deprecatingly. “It’s on me, you did nothing wrong.” He pauses. “And what do you mean, things between the two of us?”

Ethan laughs softly, almost affectionate. Lucas wonders how he could ever deserve someone as kind as the man on the other side of the bed.

“Well, you’re not exactly discrete. Neither one of you. The way you look at him or the way he looks at you. At the two of us together. You know I actually try to talk to him once. I didn’t know then. I knew he was important to you so I went to see him at the bar once and asked for advice on how to…” he shrugs, shoulders tensing for a brief moment before he exhales. “woo you I guess. He looked like he was straight up gonna murder me right there. I never asked him a question about you again. But I noticed, after that. I paid attention. Everytime you’re here, his eyes never leave you. They linger. And then I realized you did the same.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I knew you were in pain. You didn’t hide that very well either, nor he. I still tried to get you anyway so I’m not exactly a white knight in this version. Especially since I witnessed him at his lowest. I was sure then but I still refused to back down. If I had been honest with myself, and with you, I would have.”

“I tried.. I thought with you, it could work.” Lucas replies in earnest. “You’re the first one who made me wanna try.” 

“Well, at least I had that.” They smile at each other before looking down at their cups once again. They drink in silence. The warmth of the cappuccino is more than welcome. He feels lighter in a way, now that the pressure of the night is off. 

‘What happened between Eliott and you? Why did you start crying?” Ethan is staring at him again, curiosity mapping out his lovely face. Lucas ponders for a moment but the truth comes spilling out of him before he can even attempt to stop it. It’s such a relief to finally tell someone about everything he’s been feeling, all the dark thoughts and forbidden wishes. The other boy remains silence as he pours everything on him, from his request to Eliott their last encounter and Idriss’ words. 

“Whoa.. that’s … incredibly messed up and sweet at the same time, I don’t know where to start.” Ethan whistles, apparently impressed. He looks appalled. 

“You asked him to have sex with you for the your first time? Do you realize how huge it is? For someone to have this  _ responsibility? For their best friend?” _

Lucas recoils, defensive. “Well I didn’t force him. He could have said no.. And then it got intense between us and I thought.. Maybe he could be feeling more, like I was. Like I always have been. I’ve been delusional clearly.”

“No, you’re being delusional  **now** if you think he doesn’t feel the same.” Ethan scoffs derisively. 

“Clearly not. He was sleeping with someone else yesterdat. He does not care.” 

“Lucas, you’re an idiot.” He almost spits out his drink at that and Ethan laughs. He does too, after a few seconds. “I mean, what indications did you give him that you’re into him, in a romantic way?”

“Plenty, I…”

“You asked him to your first, insisted it was just for “teaching purposes” whatever that means time and time again, he finds me at your place after you apparently shared a moment, he sees a text where I ask you out again after caring care of him for a few days.. He has plenty of reasons to doubt.”

“But I took care of him when he …” Lucas tries to explain but he’s interrupted again. 

“Yeah, like you always have, you just told me that. And then you agree to go out with me again. Lucas, he has NO reason to think you’ve not been playing him. How else could he react?”

“But I’ve told him.. If he said so, I wouldn’t come here tonight..” he blushes, mortified. He really didn’t deserve Ethan’s kindness today. He basically admitted he would have disregarded him in a heartbeat if Eliott had asked him to. 

Strangely enough, Ethan doesn’t seem bothered by it. 

“Well yeah, but only after you see him with this girl. Lucas, you gave him no indication you might want more with him. You can’t be mad at him. He doesn’t know. He won’t until you do something about it.”

He presses a hand on Lucas’ knee. “Do something about it okay.”

Lucas remains silent for a moment, trying to process everything they talked about, his own actions. Could he really have appeared so cold and heartless to Eliott? Like he was just some tool until he got what he wanted. 

“Hey.. don’t beat yourself up, alright? We all make mistakes.” he hears Ethan say, his voice distant as if he was on the other side of the room. “Listen I don’t know Eliott but if his friend told you to talk to Arthur, well, maybe you should..”

Lucas nods slowly, his thoughts a tumultuous fog inside his brain. He feels a nudge on his shoulder and he realizes Ethan just bumped it with his own. 

“Come on.Time to move.” 

He rises then and starts to fumble with his clothes scattered on the floor. His one time almost lover handling him the ones on his way. He feels so much gratitude he could drown in it as he makes his way towards the entry door. 

He turns on the threshold one last time to face the Man Who Almost Was. 

“I don’t know how to thank you or what to say to make it better.”

He’s interrupted again.

“Please don’t. Do what you have to do. Text me when it’s done and then.. I’m gonna keep my distance for a while just to mend a little. But it’s gonna be fine between us, don’t worry. I think you’re gonna be too busy anyway.” He adds and for the first time, he looks a little sad. Lucas doesn’t reply, he knows it’d be useless to.

They part then, the door silently closing between them, putting a definite end to their evening. 

However, Lucas’ was far from over. As he exits the building, he lets out a breath he doesn’t realize he’s been holding. He can’t stop himself from looking upwards to see if Ethan’s looking for him above the street lamps. He isn’t. 

He looks at his phone, trying to think of the closest way to get home and think of his next move when the number of notifications stops him. Eliott’s been trying to call him at least once an hour since their last talk but he never picked up. Didn’t read the texts either. But it’s not Eliott’s number that baffles him. 

It’s Arthur’s. They hadn’t been talking since he saw Eliott and him together.He hadn’t seriously thought about contacting him again despite what Idriss and Ethan had said. The blond boy had tried numerous times before but he always brushed him off, jealousy too heavy on his stomach to think clearly. Yann and Basile’ve been pestering him for days about it. 

It’s Arthur’s last text that finally decides him to listen to the others. 

_ **Tutur:** 19h51 “I’ve just talked with Eliott. He told me everything about you two. Please call me, I need to tell you something.’ _

_ 19h52 “He doesn’t know I’m calling. Probably gonna super pissed when he figures out I did.” _

_ 19h53 : “He needs you.”  _

_**Me** : 22h03. “Yeah ok, I actually need to talk to you too. Can we meet tonight?”  _

The answer comes not even 2 minutes later as he walks towards the metro. Their usual bar, in 20 minutes. He remembers Idriss’ words as he goes down the busy, too brightly lit tunnel leading to the train. It seems like tonight is the night for answers after all. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reunion is finally coming guys.   
> I never saw Ethan as a bad person, because Lucas would never attempt to replace Eliott with someone who wouldn't at least be like him in some way. I hope their conversation is realistic enough though.


	11. Same players, new rules

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to say : I beat Covid 19 guys! It took quite a toll on me but it's getting better now. I hope you didn't forget about this story and that you'll like the ending.   
> Have a good read. Lots of love

##  Chapter 10 : Same Players, New Rules

The bar is far from crowded when he enters it. Mika is there, wiping the counter with an overused, dirty-looking cloth, his face showing traces of a long night. They wave at each other politely from afar. They haven’t been talking much since Lucas left the flatshare, occasionally chatting when Lucas hits the bar with his friends. That’s how life is, apparently, just letting go of people, one after another. He spots Arthur, seated at the far right of the bar, near the window.He’s looking intently outside, elbows up on the table, his head resting on the back on his hands, watching as people move like shadows on the street. But Lucas knows him too well to not recognize the tension of his shoulders or the way he seems to deliberately not look in his direction. He knows Lucas’s just come in, he arrived by the very street he seems absorbed. 

Lucas thinks of ordering something but he spots two steamy mugs on the table in front of his friend. He sits carefully, offering a small smile at the other boy who replies in the same way. 

“I ordered coffee for you when I saw you crossing the street, I thought you might need it.” 

“Thanks.”

They drink in silence for a moment. Arthur’s phone screen keeps lighting up and he smiles at every notification. 

“How is it going?” Lucas finally asks and the radiant smile that answers him is worth it. He can’t help but do the same. 

“He’s fine, I mean it’s fine, between us. He’s wondering when I’ll be home. He’s waiting for me there.”

“Is Basile fine with that?” Basile and Arthur have been roomates for two years, just after the latter’s parents got divorce. It had been a rough time for him but getting a flat with his best friend had helped enormously. Not a week had passed before they started acting like an old married couple. 

“Of course, He’s the one who meddled.” Arthur’s smile grows fonder. “They’re probably playing video games, debating about my degree of awesomeness. It’s very high, if you were wondering.” 

They laugh and the air seemed to ease a little bit more between them. 

“So, hum…” Lucas grips his mug farther to warm his hands and take courage. “I owe an apology, I think.” Arthur raises an eyebrow. “No, I know I owe an apology. I’m sorry. For getting mad about you and Eliott .”

“But you didn’t get mad at him though.” 

“I was angry with him too.. But I was madder at you, I guess.” He feels more than sees Arthur settling in his chair, straightening his back.

“Why?” He sounds like he already knows the answer and a flare of shame steals Lucas’ breath for a second.

“I was .. jealous.” This was the first time he admitted that out loud. Arthur smiles encouragingly, as if he understood. Maybe he did. “That he was with you, like that. When it’s others I don’t know, it’s easier, but with someone I do know..”

“He’s in love with you.” Arthur cuts him and he would probably have been irritated but the words caught him before the emotion does. He looks up too quickly in disbelief and Arthur smiles humorlessly at the sight.

“And I’m sorry because I never encouraged him to tell you. I never hinted that you could feel the same even if I knew you did. Not because I wanted him for himself, really, I did not. We were just friends, it never changed into anything else. But I never told him because it would have hurted too much at the time. To see  _ you _ with him.” 

He refuses to meet Lucas’ eyes and silence falls around them as realisation slowly dawns on him. 

“Oh.. Arthur, I..”

“No, don’t, it’s fine.” He gestures vaguely between them, like his words had no significance. “I made my peace with you not .. returning what I felt a long time ago. But you were.. ARE my friend and I should have said something. And maybe you would have gained a lot of time if I hadn’t kept my mouth shut.”

Lucas stays silent. He vaguely knows that he should ask more questions, feel more that what’s going inside his brain somehow. He should probably feel angry about something, but he doesn’t know if it should be aimed at him or others. As he looks at his friend’s dejected face, he suddenly realizes it doesn’t really matter. 

“It wasn’t your place to say, Art. And I’m sorry I never saw anything about..”

“No worries, it’s gone now.” Art smiles, his eyes unusually wet behind his glasses. Lucas feels a surge of overwhelming affection for his friend as he grabs his hand and squeezes it gently. He can feel Mika’s eyes on them and the quizzical raise of his eyebrows at the sight. He knows his mimics byheart now. That’s why he raises his middle finger in his direction without even looking. The guffaw that answers him reverberates in the almost deserted café. 

“I’ve said too much.He would kill me if he knew I did.”Arthur’s voice brings his attention back to his blond friend. “But I couldn’t keep my mouth shut knowing how much he’s hurting at the moment.”

“Hurting? Eliott ?” Lucas scoffs humorlessly. “He doesn’t want anything to do with me Art. He’s with … what’s her face, I don’t know who she is. Clearly, it’s too late for us.”

Arthur shakes his head, a slightly amused smile on his lips. 

“He’s not with her. Not with anyone. You know what he is doing right now?” He lowered his eyes in direction of the grey phone lying on the table. 

“He roaming in his flat like a tiger in its cage. Because he knows where you were supposed to be this evening. And I don’t mean drinking bad coffee here with me.” 

“Hey I heard that, it hurts.” Mike shouts from two tables away, pretending to be clearing away an already empty table.

“Mika, stop eavesdropping our conversations, damn it!” Lucas shouts right back, attracting some nasty looks and Arthur’s light laugh.  _ Unbelievable  _ he adds through gritted teeth.

“Here” Arthur places something on the table between them. A small key that shines dimly. “He’s waiting for you. Oh and Lucas? If he’s being pig headed again.. Just ask him why he chose a boat for you for your first time.” He raises an eyebrow and smiles at Lucas’ surprised face. 

A moment passes as Lucas moves the key between his fingers, lost in the hundreds of possibilities out there. Would Eliott really be at home? Would he be alone? Would he even want to see him? So many fucking possibilities. He looks up to Arthur and makes up his mind as his fresh words resonate inside him. He remembers Eliott’s voice and sad eyes, how hesitant he had seemed about explaining this story. That’s what urges him on. He’s done tiptoeing, all he wants now are answers. For better or for worse. . He’s up on his feet in one surprisingly fluid movement, since his legs seem so heavy right now. He’s out of the bar in a few minutes, not before a last glance at his blonde friend, still seated with a small encouraging smile on his face. Reassured, he starts running. 

  
  
  


He probably looks gross. Smells even worse, he figures as he climbs up the stairs to Eliott’s flat. He doesn’t hesitate to push the key in the lock; however. He has lost enough time. If it’s over, then let it be over.

The flat seems eerily silent and dimly lit. He steps inside it silently, closing the door behind him. He wants to call out but refrains himself, listening closely instead. He doesn’t want to make himself known if it is tobe faced Eliott with one of his numerous (he had supposed until now) one night stand. He doesn’t meet anyone as he walks towards the kitchen, silent as a ghost. He stops at the entrance, his heart a heavy stone inside his chest as he watches Eliott’s back, bent over the sink as a nasty smell or burnt food filled the air. 

###  **Eliott**

He stared at what was supposed to be his tomato soup, burnt to a thin black crisp at the bottom of the pan. His hands tighten around the edge of the sink as he looks at his failed dinner without seeing it. He can’t stop thinking about him. Lucas, in someone else’s arms, sweating bodies lost in an ocean of silk (Ethan is definitely a posh silk sheet kinda guy, he was willing to bet on it) , finally getting what he wanted from the start. Getting the man he wanted.

“Well I’m not an expert but I don’t think soup’s supposed to smell and look like that.” The voice is soft as a feather but it makes him almost jumps out of his skin. He turns his head so violently it’s almost painful. Lucas is facing him, a shy, sheepish smile on his face, as he gestures towards where Eliott is standing.

“What are you doing here?” The tone is too rough but he can’t modulate it. Not when Lucas’ looking at him like that, all soft and irresistible. His hair is all over the place, slightly damp at the edges, his cheeks flushed and inviting.

“Well, I’m …”

“Are you supposed to be with your dream lover? Getting it on with the right guy? Or you wanna thank me in person?”He cuts him. He can’t bear the words. The ferocious part of his brain is roaring right now. It wants to know, it wants to hurt. 

“You shouldn’t have bothered, a thank you card would have sufficed.”

His words stink like a snake bite. He can see it on Lucas’ face. That’s why he turns his back on him, looking down at the tomato mess in front of him. 

“I was there yes..”

“Fuck Lucas, I don’t wanna fucking know!” He snaps and it’s sounds as loud as thunder in the small room. His breath is heavy inside his chest, making it heave with the weight of it. 

“Eliott…” Lucas sounds so gentle compare to his aggressiveness, it’s painful. He’d rather pick another fight, anything but the soft tone and pitiful gaze he’s sure to find. 

“Why did you do it then? If you don’t want know?” Oh the fucking audacity. He grips the tablecloth next to him, ill-folded near the sink, burying his anger inside the damp fabric, hoping the wetness would help him hold on to his words. 

“Are you kidding me? It was you who..” But something in Lucas’ eyes stops him right there, a subtle change in light, and a small lift in the corner of his mouth too, the ghost of an unknown warmth. 

“I know, and it was stupid of me.” Lucas is moving now, his eyes never leaving his, getting closer slowly as if he was afraid one abrupt move would ruin the whole thing. Eliott suddenly feels like a deer caught in headlights, unable to move on shaky legs, as his back rests firmly against the counter. 

“And I’m getting to tell you how stupid it was of me, and why I did it in just a moment. But I need to know something first.” He stops right in front of Eliott, his eyes a deep sparkling blue like a night sky reflection in the ocean, unbearably close too. Eliott can feel his body heat tauntingly close to his own, almost merging, but not quite yet. The air changes, turning from sour to engulfing, heavy honey, all sugary and addictive. 

“That first night, you said you’ve rented the boat once before, for someone special. Who was it?” 

Breath catches inside his throat at the unexpected question and immediately he feels his eyes burning with unshed tears. He starts to move but Lucas’ hand reaches up quickly and lands on his chest, right where his heart is. 

“Because we were supposed to go on a date. You and me. All those years ago. I had never wanted anything more in my entire life. I was so freaking nervous that day.” Lucas’s voice is so low Eliott has to bend his head a little to hear. The younger boy’s eyes are not longer searching his but stare at the hand on his heart like he’s draining the words directly from it. The idea makes his inside flutter with tenderness. He places his right hand right upon Lucas. The little, watery smile he gets as an answer means everything.

“I got near the harbour you know, when I found you that night, and Lucille. It was the lights of the ambulance that caught my attention. I never actually saw the boats or maybe I would have guessed sooner. Or maybe not. I’m stupid that way.” He looks up again, resolute.

“Lucille got to me first. And she told me… that you had forgotten about me, you know, that you didn’t even remembered the date we were supposed to have. She said it was because of the way your MI makes your brain work. And she also said..” He pauses. “That you never had any real feelings for me anyway, that your feelings always got muddled up when you were nearing an episode. But that it never lasts. But the worst part was..she made me promise never to fall in love with you. Because you couldn’t love properly, you could never love just one person.”

“And you actually believed that?” He doesn’t remember all of that night, just flashes. Mostly involving Lucas’ stricken face from afar as the red and blue light of the ambulance were toying with his features, Lucille’s back, blocking his view while she was speaking to Lucas. 

“Not when I actually became friend with you. After her. But then you started to see a lot of different people. Sleep with them. And I thought maybe.. some of it was right. The  _ “He doesn’t love you” _ part mostly.” 

“It’s not.” They stay in silent a little while, breathing each other out.

“You know, you’ve broken all of your rules.” Lucas takes a step back, his darkening eyes landing on Eliott’s lips. “So are we going to do now?” The taller boy reaches for him, bringing him back against him in a sudden but controlled jerk. Lucas ends up pressed against his chest, giggling softly. Eliott sneaks his arm around his waist.

“We’re making new ones.” He whispers, his other hand buried in Lucas’ hair. 

“First, no more Ethan.” Lucas rolls his eyes at that. 

“No more hook ups for you.” He retorts, challenging.

“They never mattered Lu. They were a distraction..”

“A distraction from what?” The younger boy moves against him, his hands gripping either side of Eliott’s waist, pressing their bodies together in an entirely new and familiar way at the same time. More decisive. Something soars inside Eliott at the idea that this new confidence comes from him, what they did together. In a swift motion, he turns them around and it’s Lucas’s turn to be caged against the counter. 

“From you.” And then he surges forwards and kisses him, like he always wants too. He feels Lucas gasps against his lips before sighing with what he hopes is relief. They move together, pushing and pulling, testing the other’s desire on their tongues. He can’t help but bite on Lucas’ bottom lips, proprietary. Lucas moans softly against his mouth, and something possessive surges through him. His hands roam everywhere, from silky hair to the Lucas’s side. Up and down again. 

He breaks the kiss, and they rest their foreheads together, catching their breath and laughing slightly. Eliott nuzzles his nose to Lucas’ and is rewarded by a soft humming. 

“What happened with Ethan tonight? Did you..” He hates himself for asking but he can’t push the question out of his mind. He has spent the entire evening racking his brain about that, ever since Idriss called him to tell him. It has invaded every corner of his mind, the image of the two of them together, of Ethan’s hands on Lucas’s body, wiping the memory of Eliott from his skin.

“No, not really. We started but I couldn’t finish. I didn’t want to.. So we talked and I left.”

“You talked? About what?” He cups the smaller boy’s face between his hand, trying to show how happy and relieved he feels at Lucas’ words.

“You.” It’s Lucas ‘s turn to kiss him as he finishes his sentence. Eliott only breaks the kiss to drag Lucas to his bedroom. 

“Weren’t you about to eat dinner?” Lucas ushers breathlessly as he lets himself be pushed down softly on the bed. 

“Nope. I have to an Ethan to make your forget.” They laugh and soon the only sounds that can be heard are their gasps and moans, and endless whispers of love. It feels entirely different now, the way their bodies move against one another. It’s freer, less controlled, almost unbearably tender. Lucas’ hands hold them both and Eliott submits to pleasure with an abandon he never felt before with anyone else. He pleads softly in the hollow of Lucas’ neck, for it to end and continue forever, he doesn’t know his preference. But it ends, of course, in a breathless cry of ecstasy as Lucas’ thumb slightly presses both of the tips. He spills on their stomachs and is followed a few seconds later, a broken moan against his ear like music. They stay like that for what feels like timeless hours before his friend, no, lover gets up and cleans them up with a tissue before throwing it in the bin, next to his bed. 

“Come back.” he pleads as Lucas seems to be engrossed by the inside of the bin, a quizzical expression on his face. 

“I thought it would be full of condom packages,” Lucas admits, blushing as he climbs on the bed again, coming to rest on Eliott’s chest. 

“What?”

“Because of the girl I saw here the other day. I was just checking, it’s stupid.” 

“Oh.. well no, I couldn’t. I had my head full of you, like always and it kinda tempers with.. you know..” The other boy raises an eyebrow at him, smirking.

“It seemed to work just fine five minutes ago.”

“Shut up, you insufferable demon.” They burst out laughing before snuggling even closer together, enjoying each other’s warmth.

Minutes turn into hours as they doze in and out of sleep, holding onto each other like they were afraid they would disappear.

“So in those new rules of yours, is there one that says that we’re official, exclusive boyfriends now?” He hears his lover mumbles against his skin at one in the morning, sleep heavy in his voice. 

“That’s the first one, yes.” He answers while playing with hair strands between in fingers; relishing the intimacy, the naked truth of their feelings exposed.

“Good.” They finally fall asleep lost in each other, their hearts beating as one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's an epilogue coming this week. An hint : boat date ;) 
> 
> Thank you for reading and for your kind comments, it means the world to me.


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